Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Enough Already

It has been a really tough summer. I am still working with my dietitian and exercising, but really we have been on hold mode with the weight. And that's the good news. With all credit to the dietitian, whenever things go off the rails, she has me analyze my week and pick out some really good things when, to me, everything looks pretty dark.

So from the last six weeks, THE GOOD:
1. I maintained my ritual of exercising in a structured way (classes) three times per week.
2. I brought my lunches most days and generally kept with my healthy eating plan.
3. I am working on increasing fluids (mostly water) and cutting out sweetened soda entirely.
4. I have managed to maintain my weight.
5. I have tried to be active most weekends and do something good for me each of those two days.

The stuff I need to improve:
1. Eat less sugar. I tend to snack, especially at night, on sugar. Ice cream is a big one. I have managed to cut it way back in the last week and I need to keep that up.
2. Blog. It really, really helps. I need to remember that I am blogging for myself. For me. As a way to get my feelings out, examine them, deal with them and then let them go. I need to treat this as a release. I can't worry about what people will think of me as I struggle. I will not lose weight each and every week. I will not be perfect (it doesn't exist). I can't expect that of myself and I can't allow myself to be discouraged by what I think others expect of me. I can't live up to that. I can try my best and learn to pick myself up when I fall and keep going.
3. I need to take better care of me. And here, I don't mean the big stuff like diet and exercise. I mean the little stuff. I mean taking the time to respect myself enough, to care about myself enough to pamper myself. And to stop thinking of the basics as pampering myself. To move that mental image from one of indulgence to taking care of basic needs. And I am talking, for the most part, about basic needs. I am talking about blow drying my hair when I shower. (It takes 20 minutes to do that). I am talking about keeping my finger nails well groomed so that I don't get hangnails which get picked at and infected. I am talking about getting pedicures on a regular basis. I am talking about getting my pants taken in and hemmed so that they don't look like they are two sizes too big. I am talking about wearing makeup (even just a little) everyday. I am talking about caring about the image I project to the world, not because I care about what the world thinks of me, but because if you project a better image, you actually feel better.
3. To not be so grumpy. And I have been grumpy.
My BIL has been really sick, and the hospital he is now in is two hours away and we have been going to visit alot and it is exhausting. I only have two days on the weekend to take care of errands and take care of me and when one ends up as a trip to the hospital, the other becomes a trip to the gym and groceries and in there, there is no time for me. To relax.
The other problem with the hospital run is it ends up meaning both lunch and dinner in restaurants, and as good choices as I try to make, it is never great.
I have been really grumpy this summer. I feel like the summer is over and I have not had a chance to enjoy it. We never went away to the country. We never even rode our bikes. We never had a picnic, we never hosted our annual summer party. We didn't get to do any of the things we love to do. I was resentful. I was angry. I am also grateful that my BIL is well on the way to recovery and is in a rehab facility to help regain his strength. He will need at least one more surgery but at least the doctors are optimistic.
I decided about a week ago that I needed to let the anger go. Be done with it. I saw a therapsit many years ago and she was a big advocate of letting things go. Deal with it, accept it, acknowledge it, but let it go. I decided to listen to her voice in my head and move on. I was only hurting myself (and my marriage by being so angry all the time) and I needed to move on. So I decided from that day, I just would. I am not perfect. I am not happy all the time. But I decided that in order to feel better, I had to start living like I felt better. And so I did, and I do. We did not go to the hospital this past weekend. We stayed home. I slept. I saw some friends. I cooked and cleaned and slept some more. I reconnected with my husband. We played alot of Bananagrams. (a great Scrabble type game if you don't know it.) I sat and watched it rain and enjoyed the peace and quiet. It felt good.
And so I am back to blogging. I am trying to turn this around and get kicking again on my weight loss.
I will do this, I will.

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