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Friday, April 30, 2010

Strength from struggle

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, some of people who have just started their weight loss journey, some who are part of the way through it and others who are nearing goal. It seems that everyone shares similar struggles, whether it be with eating out, lack of exercise or life just getting in the way. It also seems that when the going gets tough, everyone feels that they are alone in their struggle and that no one else is going through the same thing.
Yet we are really all the same. Some have 20 lbs to goal, some 300. It doesn't really matter in the end does it. It is about the journey, the struggle, which for most of us, has been and will continue to be lifelong. It is exhausting thinking about how much effort goes into the struggle to lose weight, get fit, be healthy.
A very wise woman once told me that you can't control the way the world reacts to you you can only control the way you react to the world. I try to think of that every day. With every choice that I make, I try to think is this choice being made because I am angry, or scared, or hurt, or lonely or feeling bad about myself, or is this choice being made because I care about myself and I deserve to take care of myself. It doesn't mean that I always make the right choice, I still sometimes go for the cookie or the chocolate, but as a start, I am trying to become more aware of those choices. As those choices become easier, so will this struggle. As I become more aware of my mind-body-food reaction, the weight will come off and the mood will improve. The fit will come. It will get easier as I get lighter.
So, when you read other blogs, try to see in those who struggle the same challenges you face and gain strength from them. From their struggles. For the community that we belong to motivates us and makes us strong. For you are not alone. Read the blogs of those who are doing well as inspiration and motivation, but remember, they have bad days too. It is normal. It is okay. It is part of the struggle and it is what makes us strong.
Choose to be strong today.
I will do this, I deserve it.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Restaurants

Went out for dinner last night, ordered really well. Salad, grilled chicken, rice. Well, then hubby's plate came with yummy spreads and falafel balls and pita bread and in the end we ended up sharing and I ate way too much. Felt a little ill after. That's quite a change for me. I used to be able to eat as much as I wanted and not feel ill or really full. I always thought of my stomach as a bottomless pit. I mean I could eat. But as I am trying to cut back on portions, my body seems to be adapting and I just can't eat the volume.
That's good, right? I mean who wants to feel sick, but if it will help to control the eating when out then I am all for it. I am still quite full and feeling a little queasy, but I ate a solid breakfast (2 rye toast, one egg, latte) so that I would have enough energy for the day and I am sipping tea, and will continue to until lunch. Again, I will try to keep portions reasonable and not overeat today.
Still no exercise for the week. Gotta wrap my head around that, I guess I am not really ready to add it in. It will come.
I will do this, I will.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Migraines and Carbs

Weigh-in today was pretty good. Lost almost 2 lbs, so I managed to lose the weight I had gained last week plus a little more. Still struggling with exercise, but I have some new ideas and will see how that goes. I am thinking of trying one morning class and see if I can get there and not vomit during. My husband will laugh when I tell him this plan as I am NOT a morning person. BUT, one day a week is not the end of the world. I meet with the dietitian at 7:10am, so one morning class should be doable.
Met with the dietitian this morning and we were talking about my food records and the correlation between my migraines and carbs. She thinks maybe I get the migraines on the days that I don't eat enough carbs. So maybe it's not that I don't get enough calories on migraine days, but maybe on those days I don't get enough carbs. So next week she is going to teach me how to count carbs and we will work on substituting some of my calories for carb calories and see how that goes. In the interim, I will continue to keep my food journal and will note on it how I feel at the end of each day so that we have something to work from.
I will do this, I will.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Not enough food and a migraine

So I guess I didn't eat enough yesterday (see my food journal blog - link on the bottom right of this page) as in the end I did end up with a doozy of a migraine. Had to take a fiorinal with codeine before bed and nix the exercise that I had planned. So today, I have decided to still eat healthy but differently and see how I do. I had oatmeal for bfast and brought chicken and a small yam for lunch. With hummus and an orange for snacks, we'll see how it goes.
At least yesterday allowed me to lose the bloat I had picked up from the sushi the night before. Soy Sauce tends to do that to me.
Oh, and I am happy to report that I am still taking the stairs at work. Everyday.
I will do this, I will.

Monday, April 26, 2010

This is hard

I have been struggling of late. I am trying to make good choices. We went out for dinner Friday night and I ordered grilled chicken with a side salad. I asked for no dressing on the salad as it came with a bit of cheese and I figured that was enough for some flavor. The waitress asked me 4 times if I was sure that I didn't want dressing. I was amused rather than annoyed, so all in all, a successful outing.
On the other hand, we went out for sushi last night, and while I did manage to keep the portion really small, the choice in maki wasn't the best (too many fried tempura bits).
But today, I got up and made a healthy breakfast, prepared my lunch and have had a really good day. Except I'm famished. It is the middle of the afternoon and I have eaten according to plan today and I am famished. So I will go and eat an extra fruit, make myself some tea and try to make it to dinner.
If I let myself get too hungry, I get a migraine. I find it very difficult to determine what the balance is between enough food to stave off the migraines and enough of a calorie deficit to lose the weight. It is something I have struggled with for a long time and is a big part of the reason that I have been within the same 30 lbs for almost 20 years.
I had a good weekend w.r.t. exercise and will continue to try to bump it up so that the calorie deficit can come (somewhat) from exercise.
I will do this, I will.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I took the stairs

I took the stairs today. Yes, I know, you are saying so what, she took the stairs. But for me, that's huge. I work on the second storey of a two storey building in the 'burbs and I always, and I mean always, take the elevator.
But, I am coming to realize that this is not about one huge thing that is going to make me lose 150lbs overnight. It will be as a result of a hundred little things (and a few larger ones) that will add up to the weight loss.
So, today I took the stairs. I parked in the back of the parking lot and took the stairs up to my office. I survived (betcha you weren't surprised, but me, maybe a little.) My heart rate was elevated but not crazy and I wasn't that out of breath. And I know that the more I do it, the easier it will get.
So tomorrow, I will take the stairs again.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Weight gain and not enough exercise

Got on the scale this morning and for my official weekly weigh in I am up just over one pound. I am very disappointed. I do not believe that I ate enough this week to be up. Diet has been okay. Not to make excuses but even hubby was surprised. However, exercise has sucked this week and I really need to tackle that aspect if this weight loss plan and lifestyle change is going to work. I know that the only way I am going to be able to lose the weight and then keep it off and live the life I want to live is by exercising. But I hate it. I just need to get over that. I just need to figure out a way to work it into my day, everyday, so that over time I learn to hate it less.
I will do this, I will.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Sick..and Tired and Looser Pants

Not much in the mood to post these last few days. I went and caught a nasty cold and all I want to do is sleep. I am also quite frustrated as I have been on plan (mostly) and find that my face is less swollen and my pants are a bit looser but the scale is refusing to budge. In fact it is up a little. Official weigh in is tomorrow so I will report back then, but I do have to say that if I was going to gain weight this week, at the very least I would have joined the rest of my friends and had chicken wings on Saturday night. Instead, I stayed on plan and ordered a very sad looking salad with grilled chicken and a soda water. Proud of myself, but come on scale...move...in the right direction.
I am also swollen, I can't even close my hands fully. I am hoping I can blame all of this on PMS and then see a large drop in the scale next week. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I intend to stay on plan and am in a pretty good place emotionally.
I just want to feel better!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Diet back on track - now let's work on exercise

After a rough couple of days, I am fully back on program today. I got up this morning to a very unkind scale and decided, enough is enough. So I had a mostly egg white omelet with low fat cheddar, some canteloupe and a non-fat latte for breakfast. A salad with chickpeas and salmon and 1oz of a yummy salad dressing for lunch. A pear and a yogurt for snacks and am planning a stir-fry for dinner that will be heavy on the veggies and not quite so heavy on the chicken and rice. I have also learned through this process that the sauce on the stir-fry can be a diet killer (sugar, sugar and more sugar) so I will go light on that as well.
Hubby and I have gone for walks the last two nights and I plan to do that tonight as well. Tomorrow morning is my planned workout. I still need to figure out a way to build that into my week. I am still trying to figure out how to do that.
I see my Cardiologist for my annual consult at the end of June and would like to be at the same weight I was at last year, so I need to lose a little less than 25lbs to get there.(It has been a rough year weight wise). So 2lbs a week would get me there, I just need to stay on plan and I can do it. If I kick up the exercise, it would be that much easier. I just need to do it. I just need to do it. How many times can I say that until I just do it. I really struggle with that.
I will start this today by changing my evening walk to a more intense workout and then do cardio both days this weekend. They (whoever they are) say that if you live a habit long enough it becomes a habit. I think maybe my exercise issue is that I never set a schedule that I keep to no matter what. I am very good at meeting commitments that I have to others but not so good about commitments to me. So I will work on making exercise a commitment I make to myself.
This for me is the hardest part, not because I don't respect myself or think I am worth it. (Although some would argue if I allowed myself to weigh this much then what kind of respect can I have for myself - I disagree but will leave that for another post)No for me, this is hard because I hate exercise. I hate everything about it. I hate feeling sweaty and sticky when I do it, I hate the feeling of sweat that runs into my eyes. I hate that my boobs feel sticky and gross, I hate that I am sore the next day. I hate that my feet hurt. I hate that my hair gets stringy and then I need to wash it everday and then I get dandruff. I hate that my skin gets so dry when I shower that often that it cracks and bleeds. I hate it because it is hard and challenging and makes me tired and I HATE IT! Phew, okay, I got that out of my system. Now I just need to suck it up and do it. That is the plan for this week. Just do it. Make the appointment with myself and get it done. 30 minutes everyday. Watch Jeopardy while on the elliptical. How hard is that?
I will do this, I deserve it!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A better day and taking control

I feel so much better today.
I got home last night and hubby had already started dinner. We had planned on a taco night. I ended up stuck in traffic yesterday and while sitting in park on the parkway I had decided that maybe I would turn taco night into a stir fry so that we could get more veggies in. Anyways, when I got home, hubby had started to cook dinner but had only thought so far as the meat. I was pretty annoyed at him. I started bitching about "did you think about vegetables in this meal" and he just rolled his eyes at me and kept cooking. That made me even madder. I then I took a deep breath and had a conversation in my head that went something like, ok, he's trying to be helpful and he's making dinner. Be grateful he's not sitting on the couch watching tv and expecting you to make dinner. You can still add vegetables to this meal and make it a healthier dinner.
So I did, and it felt good to be able to work through it. Those are the things that always trip me up. The things I don't control. I am a person who needs to feel in control of everything, and when someone takes that away from me I give up, rebel. And it manifests itself in food. Often.
Wow, I hadn't really thought about that until I started blogging it and it just came out. Right here in this post. If I am not in complete control then I say whatever, give up and let someone else derail my efforts.
But, like I proved last night, I can control what I put in my body by making better choices. I can add vegetables to any meal. I can go for a walk after dinner (which we did). I can make better choices at a restaurant that wasn't my pick. I can choose to respect myself with those choices.
The dietitian I am working with suggested I get up 10 minutes earlier every morning and do a stretching routine. Just to get in touch with my body and to loosen up all of my aching joints. I did that this morning for the first time and it felt pretty good. I tried to do crunches at the end, but that was a bit much for first thing in the morning for me. Maybe in time.
I am still craving sugar and wanted a coke for breakfast this morning. Instead, I am sitting here with a large cup of water hoping the craving will pass.
I will do this, I deserve it!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Weight Loss and Sugar Cravings

I am struggling this week. I had my weigh in today and I am down 1.8lbs from last week and I should be ecstatic. Three weeks in a row of losing weight might just be a record for me.
Instead, my mood is low and I am craving all things sugar. I ordered chinese last night and had a slice of cake that was around in the office kitchen today. This is my first week that I am off plan and I need to kick myself in the rear and get back on plan. I need to turn this around so that it is one meal off plan (and a snack) but doesn't turn into a week off plan and three pounds.
It is beautiful here today, I think I will ask hubby to go for a walk with me tonight so that I can enjoy the spring air and reconnect with him away from the television (hockey playoffs and such).
I read Lyn's blog at escape from obesity today and it really has me thinking. Do I really live my life that disconnected from my body? Do I allow myself to be in the moment or do I live in a somewhat alternate world in my mind, detached from that going on around me. I will work on that and blog again.
I will do this, I will.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Small Changes

Got home yesterday exhausted. It's been a very long week at the office and I was in no mood to cook. I plopped myself on the sofa and decided I wasn't cooking dinner and started debating with myself about where to go for dinner. The old me would have chosen some yummy but unhealthy choice like falafel or pizza or chinese and would have thoroughly enjoyed it, but then would have felt guilty afterwards.
So I had a very active discussion in my head about choices.
I decided to choose to cook, I decided to honor myself by doing so. I decided that I am worth the effort to make the changes I need to lose the weight. I just decided to do it.
For me, that is the hardest part. The "just do it" part. I know it's a slogan for Nike, and a bit cliché but it has always been really, really hard for me. I have had so many people over the years tell me that in order to be successful at weight loss, you just need to do it. My answer was always how. They would look at me really funny because to them they just do. I don't. I never really had an aha moment when I just willed myself to do it. Until last night. And when I did, I was really proud.
Cooking dinner on most nights is something I love to do. But last night was not one of them and the fact that I did, that I cared enough about myself to do it, gives me hope that I will be able to just do other things, really really hard things, as I tackle this challenge of weight loss.
I will do this, I can!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Challenges of Mood and Food

I met with the dietitian today. I am down another .6lbs. Not alot for this week but with passover and my period, I am thrilled to still have lost something.
I am struggling with mood a bit. When I get overwhelmed I get tired and when I get tired I hunt for sugar. Not in a normal let's have one piece of chocolate kind of way, no for me it's a let's have an entire box of chocolates and maybe some ice cream kind of way. So I have really been working on that. I haven't allowed myself to buy any cookies in a really long time. I haven't bought nutella for my desk. Because in my case the consumption of the entire jar with a spoon has occured on multiple occasions. Yet I do allow myself some frozen yogurt on occasion. I know that if I have it in measured portions and on an occasional basis, it will help prevent the other binges from occuring. But this week, on Tuesday, I gave in to my binge. I had spent all of Monday and Tuesday working crazy hours at the office getting my boss ready for a huge meeting (huge as in are we staying in business or not huge) and after dinner I prepared a huge plate of chocolate cake with ice cream and whipped cream that my husband and I shared. See I even corrupted him into this. Well my stomach was not happy. I was up from 4am to 5am. I can't believe how my body has changed over the last year and it just can't tolerate that kind of excess anymore. I was shocked.
I am struggling though with what I can replace that feeling with. I am comforted by the food. I don't know how else to describe it, but I feel a sense of calm come over me when all I have to do is concentrate on the ice cream, on it's texture. On how smooth it is and how it feels on my tongue. I need to find something to replace that but I need help to do that. So I will continue to rely on this community that I have found in the blog world to search for what others have done to replace their binges with healthier options and hope that maybe we can have that discussion here, so that we can help others too.
I will do this, I will.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Exercise..help please

Saturday morning and I have done my exercise for the day, 20 minutes on an elliptical trainer and 40 minutes of assorted weights and stretching. I have to admit that I have a ton of exercise stuff in my basement (including the elliptical trainer) that I have acquired over many, many years of trying to lose the weight.
My problem is that many weeks, Saturday morning is the only day that I get the exercise in. I work long hours, come home exhausted during the week and find it really hard to get my ass downstairs to exercise. By the time I get home I am hungry, sometimes really, really hungry, so I prepare and cook dinner, and by the time that's all done, it is well after 8 and who wants to exercise then? I am not, NOT a morning person, so trying to exercise in the early morning is just not something I am prepared to do.
I have gone for walks during my lunch break at work, but I am not sure how much that counts as real exercise so if anyone has any ideas on how to kick up the exercise I am all ears!
I will do this, I deserve it!

Friday, April 2, 2010

A busy, exciting week

I have been off work this week and hosted a dinner on Tuesday for 22 people. It was exhausting and exhilarating and a ton of work. But I am proud that when I did my weigh in on Wednesday morning I was down 3.4lbs. That is really huge for me. Usually when I get ovewhelmed and exhausted I eat mindlessly. I tried really hard to stay on plan this time. It was hard, and not always perfect, but certainly better than in the past and progress is progress, so I will take it.
I am amazed at how many people have found this blog and have expressed their support. Like I have said before, it is that sense of community that makes it easier to blog and to share my feelings. I hope that together we get this done.
I will, I deserve it.