A Sense of Community

In the last little while I have spent a lot of time searching around the internet reading other blogs and stories of people who struggle with disordered eating and weight loss. I recognize in them the same struggles and challenges I face every day and I feel less alone. I see that it is ok to have a bad day, whatever the trigger, and that it doesn't need to derail my efforts or send me on a multi day binge. I can let it go and then tomorrow will be a better day.
I appreciate this sense of community and how accepting of me it will be. I look forward to being a part of it.

The Plan

I worked out a plan today. Working with a dietitian, I have a sensible eating plan that, if I follow it, will get me to my goal. The plan is around 1600 calories per day which should result in a weight loss of 2 lbs per week. If I stay on plan, that will get me to my goal weight before my 40th birthday. Pretty cool. It's a weight of 220 which is still too high by most standards but considering I haven't seen that number on a scale since 7th grade, I will work to that and then go from there. I am trying not to think too far ahead because if I do, the task seems too daunting and history says that I get overwhelmed and give up.
I will do this. I will.

My Motivation

I have been overweight my entire life. I was 250 lbs in 8th grade and started college at 320. I am now 50 pounds heavier than that. I have never allowed my weight to hold me back from anything. I am a successful business person. I am happily married (to a skinny runner no less who met me when I was not much lighter than I am now). I have travelled the world and had wonderful life experiences. I think this is why it has always been hard for me to find the motivation I needed to lose the weight. I just didn't see the need.
Well, I do now. I am about 18 months away from 40 and my body just can't do it anymore. I am tired, all the time. I am sore, especially in my hips. I can't be as active as I would like. I am facing major surgery for a congenital heart defect in 3 years or so and I am scared of dying.
I need to lose the weight.
There, that's my motivation. I am scared of dying. The rest of the stuff, being more active, less tired, less sore, those will be bonuses. Nice side effects. But surviving surgery is my motivation and I will try to remember that each and every time I need to make a choice about the food I eat and the way I treat my body.
I will do this so that I will survive my surgery. I will.

The journey begins.

Well, let's get started. With 150 lbs to lose and many years spent trying to do this on my own, I figured, it's about time I get serious. So, I am starting this blog to, first and foremost, try to stay accountable to myself. At the same time, I am hoping it will help to write my feelings down in a more public way. I have tried to keep a diary many times before but have always struggled with the fact that in the end, you are writing to no one and so what's the point. I am hoping that by writing here, and on the off chance that someone sees it, I can share my struggles to help someone else validate their own. Maybe then, we can do this together. I can't tell you how many times I have thought that I am alone in this world, dealing with how I feel and that no one can relate to me. I need to get past that.
I am hoping this will help.