Friday, May 14, 2010

Compassion amidst pain

I have decided that for this week I am not going to weigh myself. I think it is causing me too much grief. I am struggling enough with making good choices and exercising and keeping the migraines at bay, and to add one more stress point is setting me over the edge.
So, until next weigh-in, I am off the scale.
Let's see if I can hold out.
I will keep to my eating plan, nourish myself with good food. Try to be as active as I can and accept whatever comes next week. Over the long haul, and that is what this journey is, it will be fine.
I had a doozy of a migraine last night, dinner ended up being cereal, and then some toast with cheese. A bit of a mess but I was in no shape to cook. Hubby was not helpful at all and I was pretty mad. He is really good at becoming a lump on a log when I feel sick. He doesn't know what to do for me and so it seems he just hunkers down and does nothing.
And man, does that piss me off. I mean really, show some compassion. Ask me what he can do to help. Offer to make dinner. Make a cold compress to put on my head. Do something to show compassion and thoughtfulness. I tried to explain all of this to him, but he just says there is nothing he can do for the headache. He's right, there is nothing he can do for the headache. I will take my meds and sleep it off and the headache will go away.
That is not what this is about. This is about me feeling scared and vulnerable and worried and needing to know that he is there for me, not just when everything is great but also when things are crappy and I am sick. This is about me needing pretty major surgery in a few years and being scared that he is not going to be able to handle it. This is about me wanting him to acknowledge that I feel like crap and that it's ok to feel like crap, that he loves me anyways.
I know that he does, and rationally I am way overthinking all of this and it will all be fine. But, the emotional, overthinker, who is always scared and overwhelmed gets more so when I am feeling sick and needs that little reassurance to keep me grounded.
He doesn't read this blog and while he knows that I write it and that lots of people read it, he hasn't yet seen any of these postings. I will share this one with him. He is my rock and I love him, and maybe if he reads this, he will learn a little bit more about me and be able to help me in a way I think I need. And maybe, by sharing it, I will learn a little more about myself and be able to dial back on the insecurities and learn to deal better. Maybe there is a middle ground and we can find it.
I will do this, I will.

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