Kidding myself?

Ok, so maybe I have been kidding myself. I have been giving it lots of thought and reflecting on the conversation with the dietitian yesterday and I think there are lots of little things getting in the way. It is the cookie here, the extra slice of bread there and they are adding up. So, I will, until the next weigh in, try to count calories and keep it under 1800 each day. That and count carbs too. This means that I will keep a food diary on paper that I can have with me all the time. It also means that I need to eat simple distinct foods so that I can easily track the calories. No combo, complex meals for a week. I will try to blog the food results on my food jounal blog as well. Let's see how this goes. If all goes well I will try to keep doing it.
I find it very restrictive to do this and have always rebelled against it when I have tried in the past. It makes me feel freakish that I have to do such a thing and "normal" people don't. So I do it for a while and then wonder why I am punishing myself with counting calories. And then I quit counting which then spirals into eating whatever I want to because "normal" people can.
So I need to work on reframing that conversation. I need to believe that I am counting calories because I am nurturing my body and because I deserve to be healthy and less sore and more active. I will count calories because it will get me to my goal and because I deserve to succeed in life and if this is what I choose to concentrate on, then I will succeed.
I need to concentrate on it. I need to spend more mental energy on caring about myself and taking care of myself and view this journey in a positive way and not in a self defeating, I am worthless kind of way.
If I frame this differently then I will be more successful. Good, fun, caring things are way better to concentrate on than yucky, hard, scary things and so I will reframe this and focus on the good this will bring to my life and not on the scary this is right now.
I will do this, I will.