Decision on weighing

Saw the dietitian this morning and she thinks it is a really bad idea to weigh myself every week. My weight yo-yos radicaly (as much as 6 pounds) hormonally and to see it on the scale and to post it here would be too discouraging. So I will wait for next week for my weigh in.
In the interim, I need to stay on plan with the eating and do moderate exercise and have faith that the process works. She will be out of town for a while and so I am on my own for three weeks. My goal for that time period is to track my eating. I don't like having to write down my bad choices so I tend not to eat as many when I am tracking. I think that is the best way for me to stay on plan.
I am going away for the next 4 days to see my parents and am a little concern about all of the eating out that happens when I am with them. I will try to make good choices and go for lots of walks.
I will do this, I will.

Falling out of my groove

I think the title of the post says it all. I am falling out of my groove. I am not surprised, so let me explain.
For the last 5 or so years I am always determined to have lost weight when I go to the cardiologist. So for a few months before my appointment I am really good with diet and exercise so that I can be proud of my accomplishments when I am asked to report them. Then, I get a good report and surgery is still years away and I let my guard down. I think I have plenty of time to do this later, so later it will be.
Between that same feeling of relief and TOM, I have completely let the diet go. I still went to the Newbody class on Sunday which was awesome but the diet has gone out the window. BUT, it ends here. Right now. This minute. I had my standard breakfast of two rye toast with goat cheese and jam and a skim milk latte. I am now sipping a tea at work. I brought lots of healthy snacks with me. I am officially back on track.
I set a goal of 20 lbs gone by Oct 12 and the only way to get there is to just do it. I know how, I have the skills. I have the support of my husband and the ability to do this. Now, it is just the mental game. That, to me, (and I think for most) is the hard part.
To get past the mental part you need to value yourself more than the pleasure you get from the foods you miss. Does that make sense? There are foods we all want, that we really can't have if we are going to be able to lose the weight. Yes, yes, everything in moderation, but really, I don't do moderation. I can't have one cookie, or one M&M (or even a few) or one anything chocolate. So while I am trying to lose this weight, I choose to have none. Every once in a blue moon, when I am out and there is a small portion available to me, I may have some. Just to not feel deprived as I progress along this journey. But I don't bring that food home. I can't. And in not having those foods, it is a choice that I make, that I value myself more, in the long term, than the pleasure I would get, in the short term, from eating those foods.
I value myself more because I would like to survive my surgery. I value myself more because I would like to be around to grow old with my husband. I value myself more because I want to be an awesome aunt to my niece when she is a teenager and thinks her parents are nuts and just don't get her anymore. I want to be at her wedding. I value myself because I don't ever want to have to think about my parents burying me. I value myself because I deserve it. Because I am good and worthy.
So I am back on track. As of right now.
I have also decided to post my weight every week. I have accepted that it will go up and down like a yo-yo. My hormones really cause weight gain every second week, but if I know that I am posting, I stay on track better and hope that will help to minimize the gains. If I can keep the gains to around 1 pound then the loss weeks can be so much better.
So I will weigh in tomorrow, and whatever the number (it will not be good) I will deal with it. I am back on track and am going to do awesome!
I will do this, I deserve it.

Setting Goals

I am not one to ever set goals. They are just prone to disappoint. But, I am starting to recognize the importance of a target, especially one you share with others and with whom you can celebrate a success.
Growing up my good friend's mother went to Weight Watchers and lost quite a bit of weight. Everytime she would hit 10 pounds lost they would give her a ribbon. I always loved looking at them hanging on her fridge. Well I hit 20 pounds from my highest starting point this week (a little less from when I started this blog) and I told hubby that I wanted 2 ribbons. So he went and printed a banner from the web that has two ribbons with a button that reads "Good Job." It was very sweet and really brightened my day to see that banner stuck to our fridge. It is motivating and encouraging and still brings a smile to my face every time I walk in the door.
I think it is time to set a target of another 20. I was trying to decide by when it would be feasible. I would rather beat my target than not acheive and beat myself up. So I am thinking my wedding anniversary of Oct 12. That is 16 weeks for 20 pounds. Doable but not crazy. It means that I need to be on plan all summer. It means I need to be active not only when I exercise but generally too. It means I need to dust off my bicycle and go for rides on the trail just because I like to and it's fun.
It means I need to not give myself a break, not give myself permission to take a little break from this diet and exercise plan I have laid out for myself. It would be too easy to give myself permission to take a break, cuz I have lost 20 and it's hard, cuz the doctor said my valve is good and surgery is still a while away, because all of my friends are going for gelato and I want to join, because I love to bake and miss it terribly, because of all of those. But I won't, I can't.
I also love that my pants are so loose that they drag the ground and are getting freyed. I love that my summer capris can be pulled off without undoing them and I had to put on a long top to cover that. I love that I tried on a pair of jeans in a size smaller and they fit. I love that I am losing weight and really not suffering for it. Struggling sometimes, but not really suffering.
So I have set the 20 pound goal. I have said it out loud, to hubby, and now to all of you.
I will do this, I will.

Some Good News

Went for my annual cardiology appointment this morning and got the official word. The valve has not changed. HUGE RELIEF. The dr. went back in my files and noted that it really hasn't changed since 2007 which actually is a really, really good thing. While she still thinks surgery is likely, there is a small chance that it may be quite a ways away. However, she thinks 4 years is the most probable. (No crystal ball of course).
So, I need to keep doing what I am doing and be lighter still when I see her next year. And keep on exercising.
Interestingly, it would seem that my heart issues prevent me from having any sort of weight loss procedure done, she thinks it is too risky for me. So that furthers my resolve to lose the wieght the natural way. I wasn't really ever considering the surgery but when you have been this heavy for this long it is certainly something I have thought about (but only rarely), especially when I hear all of the ads on the radio.
Ended up going to the grocery store, really hungry, looking for breakfast. I had a latte on my way to the dr. but hadn't eaten anything. I was wandering around wondering what yummy thing I could buy, and in the end I made the better choice and bought a small bun, some cheese and a yogurt.
I will do this, I will.

Big Day Tomorrow

Weigh in today. Down another 2.4 lbs, yeah me. I am really trying to maintain at least one pound per week weight loss on a consistent basis. Goal for this week is to track what I am eating and count calories. That is really hard for me. I find it very restrictive and somewhat freakish to have to do it. BUT, it really is the only way to stay accountable and lose the weight. So I will try. And, if I don't do it one day, I will not give up for the week, rather I will try again the next day, and then the next, and then the next, and then.. well you get the idea. I will keep trying until I succeed. This has been a really slow journey for me. I have been working for years at changing my behaviour. The binges have stopped. The PMS eating, the migraine eating, the constant snacking, it really has gotten so much better. I am able to have an off meal and it not turn into an off month. I am able to enjoy restaurants and social events without it derailing my efforts. I am able to eat without feeling bad about it. I am able to make better choices and be proud of that accomplishment without feeling deprived. Those are all victories in this battle and I am grateful for them.
It is interesting that I am no longer nauseas when I eat. It used to be that I would eat a meal and then feel really nauseas. I have no idea what it was that was causing it, but as I have been improving my diet it has disappeared. I am on the watch for it and will journal any meals that cause it to figure out the trigger, but I have to say, for now it is gone. And that alone, has made a huge difference for me.
Tomorrow is my annual cardiology appointment. I am scared out of my wits. They weigh you before your appointment and I am probably 10lbs higher than last year. Man am I going to take crap for that. In any event, it is what it is and I can't dwell on that, so I will be proud of what I have accomplished in these last 3 months and continue to work hard at it.
I will do this, I will.

Doing OK

I have been really watching the diet and trying to do more cardio and not as much strength training. The scale is starting to respond again. What a slow, aggravating process. I know I need strength training too and will add it back in again, but maybe not 4 in one week. Maybe 4 total cardio sessions and only 2 strength training ones.
I am trying to add more fiber into my diet. One it will help to keep me full and two it will help in the constipation area. As i change my diet, I eat less starch, I eat more protein, I lose more weight, my system shuts down. Crazy cycle, no? Anyways, I have read that 25g of fiber per day is what you need so I will try to get there each day. I get 5g in the morning with my oatmeal, and now I have changed my afternoon snack to be bran buds with yogurt which will give me 11g more. I also eat an orange per day which gives me 2.5g. So that totals 18.5g. I think if I eat that way every day, I will hit my target as I eat alot of veggies with both my lunch and my dinner and I will now try to pick high fiber ones. Last night we had crumbled some ground chicken with mushrooms, onions and lots of peas. It was drizzled with a homemade asian sauce and really yummy. Total portion of 1.5 cups and it was very satisfying. The peas were very high fiber so if I use that meal as an example, I would hit my total daily target for sure.
Weigh in tomorrow, I am excited.
I will do this, I will.

Frustrated and Angry

I am frustrated and angry. I am doing really well on my diet and I am working out like never before and the scale is not moving. It is quite stuck. It has not moved in a week, not up, not down, nothing. It is bizarre. I am frustrated that my efforts are not being rewarded. I am angry that my efforts are not being rewarded. I want the scale to move. I want it to say "good job, good for you. You have joined a gym, you worked out four times last week. You haven't had chocolate or coke in a month. You are awesome." But it's not, it is stuck and I am angry and discouraged.
I was compaining to hubby this morning. I said if the scale is not going to budge at least let me know it was for a good reason. At least let me have enjoyed it. I would have liked to share in the french fries that came with the take out rotiserie chicken. I would have had pizza on pizza day at work. I would not be eating so many salads and measuring my dressing. I would have lived like a normal person and been happy.
Instead, I am frustrated and angry.
Of course he tried to reassure me and said my body will catch up and lose eventually.
I know he is right and it will. But in the meantime. It sucks.
I will do this, I will.

Stiff, sore and proud

Went to the gym last night. Did 25 minutes of laps in the pool. I was on swim team when I was a kid, so my technique is still pretty solid. All that to say I think I got a pretty good cardio workout in.
I am still sore from the Newbody class on the weekend. My sides are hurting a lot so I guess I used more oblique muscles than I have in a while. Interesting reminder that they are there and obviously underused.
Struggling a bit with the diet. Overall calories are ok but I am not losing. Spoke to the dietitian today and she would like me to try to cut back on the starches to less than 5 servings per day. I eat a lot of peas and have been counting them as veg instead of starch, so I think I need to find a new green vegetable for the week. I also think I will try to add salad back into my life. I ate so much of it at the beginning that I got really sick of it. Rabbit food, yuck!
Aquafit tonight, excited to try the class. Though I have to say the pool was a bit gross in that the water was very cloudy. I am hoping it's the chemicals they use and not the lack thereof.
Water goal for the week is a minimum of 60ounces while at work. So less starch, more water, we'll see how it goes.
I will do this, I will.

Water and weight loss

I have been wondering of late if water really makes a difference in weight loss. I read a lot of blogs and people are adamant that the more you drink the more you lose. The reasons vary from flushing out toxins to liver cleanses to not being as hungry. I am not sure I am convinced. But, in the attempt at having an open mind and trying new things, I am now starting my day with a glass of lemon water. It is supposed to be a gentle liver cleanse and one that I am convinced will do no harm.
I was also told that the number of ounces I should drink in a day is equivalent to half my body weight. So by my count that would translate to 5.5litres a day or roughly 22 glasses. I think if I did that I would live in the bathroom.
I have purchased a 20 ounce Sigg bottle and keep it by my desk. To start, I am trying to drink three bottles per work day. I drink another glass in the morning and another with dinner and by the formula above I am still 100 ounces (or 13ish) glasses short.
Like everything else along this journey, it will come in time.
Please let me know what your experience is with water and weight loss.
I will do this, I will.

Stiff and sore but feeling pretty good.

So I did two workouts this weekend. TWO. WORKOUTS. ME! Sorry for the excitement but really, me? Anyways, Saturday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and then 45 of weights. This was done at home. We have a really ancient treadmill in my house and I never use it. The track always used to slip and that would really scare me. I am horribly afraid of falling on a good day, and the fear of falling off the treadmill is too much. So I have avoided it at all costs. Well I know that, really, I need to do something other than elliptical at home and so on Saturday I decided to try it again. And guess what, it was fine. I was able to walk the full 20 minutes and it never slipped. Not even once. I went really slowly (2.8mph) just to be sure but it was ok. I know, I sound a bit like a broken record, but it really did surprise me.
Then on Sunday I decided to attend a class called Newbody. It is essentially a low impact aerobics class in which there is some very light resistance training. I hung out at the back of the class and tried my best to follow. It was pretty hard, but I did the whole class and was pretty proud of myself. The class was very welcoming and not too overwhelming so I will try to make it my Sunday routine. There were a few other people in there looking a little lost, so it was nice to have company.
Needless to say, after two days in a row I am stiff and sore and think that maybe it would be too much to go to aquafitness tonight. If I am not too tired, I might try to walk on the treadmill for a bit (just to do something). I am a little concerned that if I push too hard too soon, I will quit. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to pace myself. I am debating a schedule of Saturday - full workout at home, Sunday - Newbody, then Monday & Tuesday off, then Aquafit on Wed, Newbody on Thurs, and Friday off. I might try that this week and see how it goes.
I will do this, I will.

18 months to goal!

Today was my annual echo. For those of you who don't know, it is essentially an ultrasound of the heart and in my case it is used to measure the diameter of my aortic valve. Once the valve gets too narrow it will mean surgery to replace it. It is huge surgery (though becoming more and more common) and will result in a one week stay in ICU and potentially 6 months off from work.
I am very scared of it and not ready.
I was born with a malformed valve and there is nothing I can do to prevent or delay the surgery. All I can do is be in good physical shape for the surgery to make my odds of survival better.
I have known about this for 10 years and have yet to get my shit together enough to get in shape and get ready. The more I think about why that is, the more I have come to realize that it is precisely because I am not ready that I have not gotten ready. I feel like if I get in shape and am ready for surgery then I have to face my fear of the surgery and of not surviving it and I am not ready to do that.
The lunacy of the whole thing though is that I am not in control of when I will need the surgery. My valve will continue to narrow over time and surgery will need to be done at some point whether I am ready or not. And so, rationally, I need to get in shape now so that my body is ready for surgery whether I am emotionally ready or not. My body needs to be strong enough so when that day comes it will go fine.
I begged the technician to give me my results which of course she couldn't do, but she did tell me that she didn't think there was any major change from last year. That's HUGE! If the valve is essentially the same then I have at least 18 months before surgery.
So, 18 months. I want to lose at minimum 106 pounds before then, but really more importantly I think, I need to be in much better physical health by then. I need to have much more stamina, much more cardio capacity, much more strength to get through the surgery itself and then to be able to come off the heart bypass machine and the respirator.
So I have registered at the Gym and I have my diet plan and I will continue to lose weight. If I continue to lose 1 pound per week I will have lost 78 pounds by then. At my current rate of loss, it will be 102lbs gone. Hopefully, with increasing exercise I will blow both of those numbers out of the water.
I will do this, I will.

Good choices, bad choices

So I went to see the gym last night and signed up. It felt great and I was very excited. The gym itself was a good mix of all types of people. Not too many "hardbodies" and it didn't have the feel of a "pick-up joint" I was lucky enough to be able to observe an aqua fitness class which I will make a point of taking. I have also been very interested in trying a body pump class which is essentially a full body resistance workout with free weights. It is geared more towards beginners and they offer a Sunday morning class for it, so I think I will attend this weekend and give it a try. I will without a doubt be the largest one in the room, but what the hell, we all need to start somewhere.
My husband got a call early yesterday that his brother was delirious and could he go to the hospital and spend the day. So he went and spent the day with his brother. It was a pretty rough day. The man could not sit still and kept trying to take out his IV and other tubes. When his lunch came, it included a Jello container. He didn't realize he needed to take the lid off and then once he was told to take the lid off he tried to eat it with a knife. Hubby was pretty upset by the time he got home and really worn down and all he wanted was his favorite meal for dinner. And guess what, that means wings.
So we went for the wings and I had them and they were delicious and completely and totally off plan. Anyways, at 5am I was woken up by a horrendous migraine. I took the strongest medicine I have and it is not working. Not even a little. I am sitting here, in my office, in the dark trying to cope, but this is going to be a long day. I am wondering if the sodium content of the meal caused the migraine. We really try to minimize our sodium consumption and my body is pretty salt sensitive. So maybe, I will have to watch for that.
Today, I am 100% on plan (oatmeal for bfast, chicken & veggies for lunch, yogurt and an orange for snacks) and with my new exercise plans hopefully the chicken wings will not derail me too much.
I will do this, I will.

Going to visit a gym

Just a quick blog today. Work is crazy and life is crazy but I am trying to keep my eating on plan. I researched a few gyms and found one close to home that has a pool. I am a little concerned about the pool hours as they have classes right after work and wonder if that would encourage me to go to a class or discourage me from going at all. But, I made an appointment to go see the club and will go tonight. They also are having a promotion "this week" so there is no initiation fee. I always wonder if that is just a gimmick to make you commit on the spot or if they always have that promotion. At any rate, I can afford the monthly fee and really need to ramp up the exercise, so I will go tour the facility and keep an open mind.
I am excited about this!
I will do this, I will.

Looking into gyms

My brother in law is holding, though struggling a bit. We are all hopeful. It is causing me lots of stress though. Not just for him and his welfare but also because it is making my surgery more real for me and I am realizing that I am not ready. I am not ready emotionally for the ordeal and I am certainly not ready physically. I am hoping that since I am still symptom free that I will have at least one more year to get ready.
To get myself more ready, I need to improve my cardio fitness. And so, as the title of this post suggests I am looking into gyms. I would like to find a gym either close to work or close to home that has a pool. The only exercise that I actually enjoy doing is swimming. It allows me to exercise without getting the chafing, the sweaty feeling, the general grossness that I get from the elliptical or the treadmill. So I have started to look into gyms. I think I have found one not too far from the house. I will go visit them this week to check it out.
As of this morning I am down 2.2 from last weigh in. Since I went to the dietitian today (one day early) I am posting this as my official weigh in.
Hopefully by this time next week I will have joined a gym and will have hit the pool a few times. For those of you following this blog, I spoke of buying myself a treadmill for my birthday this year, but I am thinking that the money might be better spent on a gym membership and some training sessions. I tend to do better when I have an appointment outside of the house. If I stop to exercise on my way home from work, I tend to actually do it. Once I get home, I tend to find a million reasons not to exercise.
I will do this, I will.

Please excuse my absence

Ok, I'm back.

It has been quite a week. My brother in law(hubby's brother) had a perforated bowel last friday and needed emergency surgery. He had a septis infection but the surgery went relatively well. Then on the weekend, he had a massive heart attack and has been in pretty rough shape in ICU. So we have been spending time in the hospital with him and his wife. He is starting to get better, but he has a really long road to recovery ahead and we are keeping him in our prayers.

In the interim, I got through TOM without a gain and the scale is starting to head back down again. I have discovered through this process that my body will only lose every second week but if I stick to plan I will lose overall. I am learning not to sabotage my efforts during hormone weeks so that non hormone weeks can really have a good weight loss. I am currently down a half pound from last weigh in and expect a good loss this week. I still haven't decided if I will post my weight every week or every two. I think posting my weight every week might get depressing but then I do weigh myself so why not share? I am debating and will decide.

I am still trying to make good choices, had salad and yogurt at the hospital. No muffins, no chocolate, no pizza. At my office they bring in pizza for the staff on the first Thursday of every month and yesterday, I brought chicken with half of a yam and some peas. I was pretty proud of myself sitting in the lunch room eating my lunch while everyone else was having pizza.

Exercise has gone out the window with the hospital runs this week, but I plan to get back on the elliptical this weekend.

My annual cardiology appointments start next week and I am pretty nervous. I am starting to have a little pain and am not sure if it is muscular or heart related and will ask the doctor when I see her. If it is heart related then surgery is closer and I will need to up the weight loss. Just not sure how. I am getting ahead of myself and will know the results of all of the tests at the end of the month. So I am just trying to stay on plan until then and keep doing what I am doing. I can't worry too much about what I can't control, but it is really hard not to.

I will do this, I will.