It has been a really tough summer. I am still working with my dietitian and exercising, but really we have been on hold mode with the weight. And that's the good news. With all credit to the dietitian, whenever things go off the rails, she has me analyze my week and pick out some really good things when, to me, everything looks pretty dark.
So from the last six weeks, THE GOOD:
1. I maintained my ritual of exercising in a structured way (classes) three times per week.
2. I brought my lunches most days and generally kept with my healthy eating plan.
3. I am working on increasing fluids (mostly water) and cutting out sweetened soda entirely.
4. I have managed to maintain my weight.
5. I have tried to be active most weekends and do something good for me each of those two days.
The stuff I need to improve:
1. Eat less sugar. I tend to snack, especially at night, on sugar. Ice cream is a big one. I have managed to cut it way back in the last week and I need to keep that up.
2. Blog. It really, really helps. I need to remember that I am blogging for myself. For me. As a way to get my feelings out, examine them, deal with them and then let them go. I need to treat this as a release. I can't worry about what people will think of me as I struggle. I will not lose weight each and every week. I will not be perfect (it doesn't exist). I can't expect that of myself and I can't allow myself to be discouraged by what I think others expect of me. I can't live up to that. I can try my best and learn to pick myself up when I fall and keep going.
3. I need to take better care of me. And here, I don't mean the big stuff like diet and exercise. I mean the little stuff. I mean taking the time to respect myself enough, to care about myself enough to pamper myself. And to stop thinking of the basics as pampering myself. To move that mental image from one of indulgence to taking care of basic needs. And I am talking, for the most part, about basic needs. I am talking about blow drying my hair when I shower. (It takes 20 minutes to do that). I am talking about keeping my finger nails well groomed so that I don't get hangnails which get picked at and infected. I am talking about getting pedicures on a regular basis. I am talking about getting my pants taken in and hemmed so that they don't look like they are two sizes too big. I am talking about wearing makeup (even just a little) everyday. I am talking about caring about the image I project to the world, not because I care about what the world thinks of me, but because if you project a better image, you actually feel better.
3. To not be so grumpy. And I have been grumpy.
My BIL has been really sick, and the hospital he is now in is two hours away and we have been going to visit alot and it is exhausting. I only have two days on the weekend to take care of errands and take care of me and when one ends up as a trip to the hospital, the other becomes a trip to the gym and groceries and in there, there is no time for me. To relax.
The other problem with the hospital run is it ends up meaning both lunch and dinner in restaurants, and as good choices as I try to make, it is never great.
I have been really grumpy this summer. I feel like the summer is over and I have not had a chance to enjoy it. We never went away to the country. We never even rode our bikes. We never had a picnic, we never hosted our annual summer party. We didn't get to do any of the things we love to do. I was resentful. I was angry. I am also grateful that my BIL is well on the way to recovery and is in a rehab facility to help regain his strength. He will need at least one more surgery but at least the doctors are optimistic.
I decided about a week ago that I needed to let the anger go. Be done with it. I saw a therapsit many years ago and she was a big advocate of letting things go. Deal with it, accept it, acknowledge it, but let it go. I decided to listen to her voice in my head and move on. I was only hurting myself (and my marriage by being so angry all the time) and I needed to move on. So I decided from that day, I just would. I am not perfect. I am not happy all the time. But I decided that in order to feel better, I had to start living like I felt better. And so I did, and I do. We did not go to the hospital this past weekend. We stayed home. I slept. I saw some friends. I cooked and cleaned and slept some more. I reconnected with my husband. We played alot of Bananagrams. (a great Scrabble type game if you don't know it.) I sat and watched it rain and enjoyed the peace and quiet. It felt good.
And so I am back to blogging. I am trying to turn this around and get kicking again on my weight loss.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
On Track
I am on track and on the whole feeling pretty good.
I am doing great on the water challenge and am trying hard to get at least 60oz at work in so that whatever I have with my breakfast and dinner will be bonus and take me way over the 64oz that are part of the challenge.
I went to aqua fitness last night and the good news is the pool was really clean. The even better news is that the instructor is really good. She comes up with awesome workouts that are not repetitive, pretty challenging and makes the time go by really quickly. She also walks around the pool and corrects your form. She is standing on the edge looking in but still manages to correct form and technique. I think she is great. The ironic thing is that I have slacked the last three weeks and didn't go but found out yesterday that the last two classes had actually been cancelled so really I only missed one and can beat myself up a little less about it. I would have been mighty peeved had I rushed to get there for nothing. I felt great in the water and then couldn't believe how tired I was after. It was incredible.
Food has been okay but not great. It is my next challenge to take on. I fully intend to work on planning a weeks worth of menus on the weekend. I think it will help a lot.
I will do this, I will.
I am doing great on the water challenge and am trying hard to get at least 60oz at work in so that whatever I have with my breakfast and dinner will be bonus and take me way over the 64oz that are part of the challenge.
I went to aqua fitness last night and the good news is the pool was really clean. The even better news is that the instructor is really good. She comes up with awesome workouts that are not repetitive, pretty challenging and makes the time go by really quickly. She also walks around the pool and corrects your form. She is standing on the edge looking in but still manages to correct form and technique. I think she is great. The ironic thing is that I have slacked the last three weeks and didn't go but found out yesterday that the last two classes had actually been cancelled so really I only missed one and can beat myself up a little less about it. I would have been mighty peeved had I rushed to get there for nothing. I felt great in the water and then couldn't believe how tired I was after. It was incredible.
Food has been okay but not great. It is my next challenge to take on. I fully intend to work on planning a weeks worth of menus on the weekend. I think it will help a lot.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tired today
I am really, really tired today. I have low iron and have not been taking my supplements because of the stomach issues they cause and I think it has finally caught up with me. I am really tired. I will get back on those supplements and try to get some extra rest over the next few days.
I did great on the PEWC water challenge on Monday, but yesterday was a really busy day and frankly, I forgot about the challenge, so my water consumption was really low. I will get back to it today.
I brought my gear to go to aquafitness tonight. Really looking forward to it. I hope the pool is cleaner and clearer than last time. If not, I am debating calling the public health people and reporting the gym. Is that terrible of me?
Brought my lunch again today and am still taking the stairs at work. Things are just chugging along.
With hubby back at work, I need to meal plan better. We both get home around 6:30 now and if we want to fit in a workout, we need to be able to make quick dinners. I need to meal plan for that to ensure that not only I have ingredients in the house to work with but also recipes and a plan of what to make. What is your go to quick dinner? I am planning on spending some time this weekend to come up with a list of quick dinners and then shopping for the ingredients I need to be able to make them. If I have a list of 15 or so, I can work them into my routine and always be prepared. I really like to eat a hot dinner, so it becomes a challenge as many quick recipes are either salad based or pasta based, both of which I prefer not to eat.
Goals for today are to hit my water target and go to Aquafitness.
I will do this, I will.
I did great on the PEWC water challenge on Monday, but yesterday was a really busy day and frankly, I forgot about the challenge, so my water consumption was really low. I will get back to it today.
I brought my gear to go to aquafitness tonight. Really looking forward to it. I hope the pool is cleaner and clearer than last time. If not, I am debating calling the public health people and reporting the gym. Is that terrible of me?
Brought my lunch again today and am still taking the stairs at work. Things are just chugging along.
With hubby back at work, I need to meal plan better. We both get home around 6:30 now and if we want to fit in a workout, we need to be able to make quick dinners. I need to meal plan for that to ensure that not only I have ingredients in the house to work with but also recipes and a plan of what to make. What is your go to quick dinner? I am planning on spending some time this weekend to come up with a list of quick dinners and then shopping for the ingredients I need to be able to make them. If I have a list of 15 or so, I can work them into my routine and always be prepared. I really like to eat a hot dinner, so it becomes a challenge as many quick recipes are either salad based or pasta based, both of which I prefer not to eat.
Goals for today are to hit my water target and go to Aquafitness.
I will do this, I will.
Monday, July 12, 2010
New Week, New Energy
I had a great weekend. Hubby and I went to a really nice restaurant on Saturday night for a belated birthday dinner for me. It was so nice to be out, just the two of us, in a relaxed but nice atmosphere for an experience we wouldn't otherwise do. It was a blind tasting menu and it was awesome. Had lots of new foods, lots of new combinations and really enjoyed the experience. I rocked on the diet front yesterday and worked out on Saturday, so I feel really ready to rock the week.
When I bought groceries this weekend, I really tried to plan breakfasts so that I would have high protein options for the week. I find a high protein breakfast keeps me fuller longer and sets me up for a good day. So I bought some LF Mozzarella, some smoked fishes (I grew up on them, so for me they are bfast food) and lots of eggs. This morning we had smoked fish and scrambled eggs, delish!
For lunch today I brought lots of sliced veggies and a chicken breast. Yogurt, hummus and some fruit for snacks.
I also joined the Positive Effect Water Challenge put on by bloggers Kenz and Sean. It asks you to have at least 64oz of water per day. I do hit that target on most days, but some days, especially when I am busy at work, I forget. So from today, I will track my water. I think I will also use that as the kick I need to track my eating.
Hubby hasn't been working for quite a while and while the financial hit has been hard, the fact that he has been home has taken a ton of pressure off of dinner. He has been making dinner most nights and that has freed me up to go to the gym and take better care of me. Well, we think he found work. The place has long hours and everyone works shifts so if the job works out, as a general rule, he won't be home til around 7. This will change our schedule but I am thinking it might be in a good way. Hubby is a runner and runs 7 miles on the treadmill everyday. This takes him about an hour and he is pretty good about ensuring he runs everyday.
With his new schedule he is planning on running after dinner. I plan on joining him. It is so much easier to wrokout with company. This will mean lighter dinners and then a workout. I plan to use the elliptical while he is running. I figure I will start at 25-30minutes and try to build to 45. (I started at 10). I will still go to my class at the gym on Sunday and will do my big workout on Saturday. The more I workout, the easier this weight loss will be. I hate it, but am resigned to do it. Maybe over time, I will learn to tolerate it. Eventually, maybe even like it.
I will do this, I will.
When I bought groceries this weekend, I really tried to plan breakfasts so that I would have high protein options for the week. I find a high protein breakfast keeps me fuller longer and sets me up for a good day. So I bought some LF Mozzarella, some smoked fishes (I grew up on them, so for me they are bfast food) and lots of eggs. This morning we had smoked fish and scrambled eggs, delish!
For lunch today I brought lots of sliced veggies and a chicken breast. Yogurt, hummus and some fruit for snacks.
I also joined the Positive Effect Water Challenge put on by bloggers Kenz and Sean. It asks you to have at least 64oz of water per day. I do hit that target on most days, but some days, especially when I am busy at work, I forget. So from today, I will track my water. I think I will also use that as the kick I need to track my eating.
Hubby hasn't been working for quite a while and while the financial hit has been hard, the fact that he has been home has taken a ton of pressure off of dinner. He has been making dinner most nights and that has freed me up to go to the gym and take better care of me. Well, we think he found work. The place has long hours and everyone works shifts so if the job works out, as a general rule, he won't be home til around 7. This will change our schedule but I am thinking it might be in a good way. Hubby is a runner and runs 7 miles on the treadmill everyday. This takes him about an hour and he is pretty good about ensuring he runs everyday.
With his new schedule he is planning on running after dinner. I plan on joining him. It is so much easier to wrokout with company. This will mean lighter dinners and then a workout. I plan to use the elliptical while he is running. I figure I will start at 25-30minutes and try to build to 45. (I started at 10). I will still go to my class at the gym on Sunday and will do my big workout on Saturday. The more I workout, the easier this weight loss will be. I hate it, but am resigned to do it. Maybe over time, I will learn to tolerate it. Eventually, maybe even like it.
I will do this, I will.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Counting Calories
Logic (and science) say that is takes 3500 calories to equal one pound. So if you consume 500 calories less than normal each day you will lose one pound per week.
I know, nothing earth shattering here.
For my height and weight the calculators for BMR (the number of calories I would burn if I stayed in bed all day) is approximately 2300. Take off the 500 from that and we are at 1800. So to burn one pound per week my maximum calories are 1800. I know that exercise and moving around burns more, but for the sake of simplicity and perhaps burning more than one pound per week, let's keep this simple.
My dietitian would like my target to be 1600 which gives me 200 calories to accommodate the occasional indulgence and hungry days.
So 1600.
Now the hard part. That means I need to track my food. Really track my food. Keep a diary and write everything down. I DON'T WANT TO!
There I said it, out loud. I don't want to! I have said that before on this blog and I am saying it again, I don't want to. Do I sound like a seven year old, annoying child yet, no? ok, I don't want to. Now? Yes, Ok, enough!
I heard a dietitian on TV say that unless you are willing to write down your food intake you are not ready to lose weight. But here's the thing. I am ready to lose weight. I am ready to do the work. I am ready to take better care of myself. BUT I can't convince myself to count calories. And, the most frustrating part, really, is I have no idea why.
I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about why and the only thing I can come up with is failure.
I am afraid that if I track and still don't succeed then I have to blame myself for failing. Up to now, I have been on a diet, exercised, read a lot of books and really, deep down not been able to say that I have given it my all. If you don't track and weigh everything and count calories and go to the gym, can you really say you are giving it everything you've got. And if you don't give it everything you've got, it's not a failure if you don't succeed, it was just a bad attempt.
So, if I track and really give it my all, what happens if I don't succeed. What happens if I fail. What happens if I want a cookie here and there. What happens if I get cravings for chocolate. How do I figure out how to add them in to the 1600 calories and not feel deprived.
But then, should I feel deprived? This is not supposed to be easy. I read Sean's blog and he is a huge advocate of eating everything you want but in moderation and counting it towards your daily total. He has lost over 250lbs. He is giving motivational speeches now.
But he is not me, and I am not him. I suffer from Migraines. Horrendous, crazy migraines and they are absolutely triggered by food. If I eat the wrong things, too little, not frequently enough, artificial things, too many nuts, too much citrus, raw onions, bananas..the list is so long it is exhausting to think about.
So what do I do, if I start to track and I just can't manage to get this right. Then where does that leave me? What do I do then. Because then, I would be out of options. And that, I can't deal with. I can't deal with the hopelessness that that triggers. I just can't.
So, I need to turn this around in my head. I need to be confident that it will work. That I can survive on 1600 calories and not get sick. That I can add exercise to that and readjust if needed. That I can have good weeks and bad weeks but all in all I can lose one pound per week in a healthy way and get to goal. It might take me longer than some others, but I can do this and I will not fail.
I will start tracking on paper and try to figure out how to use Spark and then try to track on-line. I will try to buy groceries this weekend that will make meal planning easier. I will try to reframe the conversation so that I start to believe that tracking is just another tool in my tool box and is not the last option that I have.
I will do this, I will.
I know, nothing earth shattering here.
For my height and weight the calculators for BMR (the number of calories I would burn if I stayed in bed all day) is approximately 2300. Take off the 500 from that and we are at 1800. So to burn one pound per week my maximum calories are 1800. I know that exercise and moving around burns more, but for the sake of simplicity and perhaps burning more than one pound per week, let's keep this simple.
My dietitian would like my target to be 1600 which gives me 200 calories to accommodate the occasional indulgence and hungry days.
So 1600.
Now the hard part. That means I need to track my food. Really track my food. Keep a diary and write everything down. I DON'T WANT TO!
There I said it, out loud. I don't want to! I have said that before on this blog and I am saying it again, I don't want to. Do I sound like a seven year old, annoying child yet, no? ok, I don't want to. Now? Yes, Ok, enough!
I heard a dietitian on TV say that unless you are willing to write down your food intake you are not ready to lose weight. But here's the thing. I am ready to lose weight. I am ready to do the work. I am ready to take better care of myself. BUT I can't convince myself to count calories. And, the most frustrating part, really, is I have no idea why.
I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about why and the only thing I can come up with is failure.
I am afraid that if I track and still don't succeed then I have to blame myself for failing. Up to now, I have been on a diet, exercised, read a lot of books and really, deep down not been able to say that I have given it my all. If you don't track and weigh everything and count calories and go to the gym, can you really say you are giving it everything you've got. And if you don't give it everything you've got, it's not a failure if you don't succeed, it was just a bad attempt.
So, if I track and really give it my all, what happens if I don't succeed. What happens if I fail. What happens if I want a cookie here and there. What happens if I get cravings for chocolate. How do I figure out how to add them in to the 1600 calories and not feel deprived.
But then, should I feel deprived? This is not supposed to be easy. I read Sean's blog and he is a huge advocate of eating everything you want but in moderation and counting it towards your daily total. He has lost over 250lbs. He is giving motivational speeches now.
But he is not me, and I am not him. I suffer from Migraines. Horrendous, crazy migraines and they are absolutely triggered by food. If I eat the wrong things, too little, not frequently enough, artificial things, too many nuts, too much citrus, raw onions, bananas..the list is so long it is exhausting to think about.
So what do I do, if I start to track and I just can't manage to get this right. Then where does that leave me? What do I do then. Because then, I would be out of options. And that, I can't deal with. I can't deal with the hopelessness that that triggers. I just can't.
So, I need to turn this around in my head. I need to be confident that it will work. That I can survive on 1600 calories and not get sick. That I can add exercise to that and readjust if needed. That I can have good weeks and bad weeks but all in all I can lose one pound per week in a healthy way and get to goal. It might take me longer than some others, but I can do this and I will not fail.
I will start tracking on paper and try to figure out how to use Spark and then try to track on-line. I will try to buy groceries this weekend that will make meal planning easier. I will try to reframe the conversation so that I start to believe that tracking is just another tool in my tool box and is not the last option that I have.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Still Struggling
I am still out of my groove. I just need a mental break. So I am trying to eat well, listen to my body, respond to it kindly and nurture myself right now. I am not so concerned about total calories and hours of cardio or any such things. But I am still trying to make good choices and the weight I gained over the last weeks is coming off.
But I am worried that if I allow this to go on, I will gain back what I have lost and lose my way. So I am trying to kick myself to stay on track. Not get too far derailed and lose momentum.
Sound confused, cuz I am. Just not feeling it right now.
I have joined spark people to track my food and use it for motivation. I am still working on setting up my page and being able to interact with other people. I think I am going to give myself till Friday for my mental break and then kick back into gear. I have plans to exercise on both days of the weekend and I will cook and prepare so that there is good, healthy food in my freezer for the weeks to come. I think giving myself a time limit for my break will keep it in check. I am not bingeing, I am not going crazy, but I am not 100% on plan. I am not really sure how I feel about that. I am happy to have the freedom, upset that this is my reality and frankly, in a bit of pain. I have not yet figured out where the pain is from, but I am starting to think that it might be sugar related. I have arthritis in my joints and they were soooooo much better when I was 100% on plan. Now that I am not so careful, and after a weekend of eating too many desserts, I have to say, I am quite sore. It is quite a shock to me. I had no idea that sugar can cause inflammation. I have done a little research in the past few days and have come to learn that the problem could in fact be sugar, so that is another motivation to get back on track.
My office is having a big golf day, summer party tomorrow and I plan to take part in all of the festivities and enjoy it. We are going through a heat wave here and so I am concerned that I will wilt in the sun and end up with a migraine. I intend to stay hydrated with both water and a sports drink and stay away from alcohol but that is another reason why I am saying get back on plan on Saturday. I know it should be now, this instant, but really I am just not into it. On the whole I have good choices in my lunch and good choices at home for dinner, but the whole package isn't wrapped in a pretty bow right now.
The bow will come.
I will do this, I will.
But I am worried that if I allow this to go on, I will gain back what I have lost and lose my way. So I am trying to kick myself to stay on track. Not get too far derailed and lose momentum.
Sound confused, cuz I am. Just not feeling it right now.
I have joined spark people to track my food and use it for motivation. I am still working on setting up my page and being able to interact with other people. I think I am going to give myself till Friday for my mental break and then kick back into gear. I have plans to exercise on both days of the weekend and I will cook and prepare so that there is good, healthy food in my freezer for the weeks to come. I think giving myself a time limit for my break will keep it in check. I am not bingeing, I am not going crazy, but I am not 100% on plan. I am not really sure how I feel about that. I am happy to have the freedom, upset that this is my reality and frankly, in a bit of pain. I have not yet figured out where the pain is from, but I am starting to think that it might be sugar related. I have arthritis in my joints and they were soooooo much better when I was 100% on plan. Now that I am not so careful, and after a weekend of eating too many desserts, I have to say, I am quite sore. It is quite a shock to me. I had no idea that sugar can cause inflammation. I have done a little research in the past few days and have come to learn that the problem could in fact be sugar, so that is another motivation to get back on track.
My office is having a big golf day, summer party tomorrow and I plan to take part in all of the festivities and enjoy it. We are going through a heat wave here and so I am concerned that I will wilt in the sun and end up with a migraine. I intend to stay hydrated with both water and a sports drink and stay away from alcohol but that is another reason why I am saying get back on plan on Saturday. I know it should be now, this instant, but really I am just not into it. On the whole I have good choices in my lunch and good choices at home for dinner, but the whole package isn't wrapped in a pretty bow right now.
The bow will come.
I will do this, I will.
Monday, July 5, 2010
A great weekend
I took a few days off from work and went home for the weekend. It was my birthday and I wanted to see my friends and parents and spend time at home.
It's funny how no matter how old we get, who we marry, what city we choose to live in as adults, for some reason, the city in which we grew up is home. And it was really, really nice to be home.
I had a blast this weekend. Spent some really good quality time with my friends, caught up with them. I have been friends with some of them since kindergarden and others since my teen years and it was great to be able to sit around a table together and it feel like I saw them yesterday. We are so comfortable with each other that time stands still. There is no awkward silence, no weird moments. Just really comfortable love and acceptance. It felt really good.
And, I chose not to worry so much about my eating. I tried to make good choices when I wanted to and enjoy my splurges when I made them and deal with whatever the result. So I have a little work to do, but on the whole not too bad. I am up two pounds from last weigh in, with 2 days to the next weigh in. I am quite happy with that. I lost all of the hormone weight and will lose these two pounds once I get back into my routine. I am not at all concerned.
I am back home, in my adopted city, feeling recharged and refreshed and am excited to keep at this for the summer.
I will do this, I will.
It's funny how no matter how old we get, who we marry, what city we choose to live in as adults, for some reason, the city in which we grew up is home. And it was really, really nice to be home.
I had a blast this weekend. Spent some really good quality time with my friends, caught up with them. I have been friends with some of them since kindergarden and others since my teen years and it was great to be able to sit around a table together and it feel like I saw them yesterday. We are so comfortable with each other that time stands still. There is no awkward silence, no weird moments. Just really comfortable love and acceptance. It felt really good.
And, I chose not to worry so much about my eating. I tried to make good choices when I wanted to and enjoy my splurges when I made them and deal with whatever the result. So I have a little work to do, but on the whole not too bad. I am up two pounds from last weigh in, with 2 days to the next weigh in. I am quite happy with that. I lost all of the hormone weight and will lose these two pounds once I get back into my routine. I am not at all concerned.
I am back home, in my adopted city, feeling recharged and refreshed and am excited to keep at this for the summer.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Decision on weighing
Saw the dietitian this morning and she thinks it is a really bad idea to weigh myself every week. My weight yo-yos radicaly (as much as 6 pounds) hormonally and to see it on the scale and to post it here would be too discouraging. So I will wait for next week for my weigh in.
In the interim, I need to stay on plan with the eating and do moderate exercise and have faith that the process works. She will be out of town for a while and so I am on my own for three weeks. My goal for that time period is to track my eating. I don't like having to write down my bad choices so I tend not to eat as many when I am tracking. I think that is the best way for me to stay on plan.
I am going away for the next 4 days to see my parents and am a little concern about all of the eating out that happens when I am with them. I will try to make good choices and go for lots of walks.
I will do this, I will.
In the interim, I need to stay on plan with the eating and do moderate exercise and have faith that the process works. She will be out of town for a while and so I am on my own for three weeks. My goal for that time period is to track my eating. I don't like having to write down my bad choices so I tend not to eat as many when I am tracking. I think that is the best way for me to stay on plan.
I am going away for the next 4 days to see my parents and am a little concern about all of the eating out that happens when I am with them. I will try to make good choices and go for lots of walks.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Falling out of my groove
I think the title of the post says it all. I am falling out of my groove. I am not surprised, so let me explain.
For the last 5 or so years I am always determined to have lost weight when I go to the cardiologist. So for a few months before my appointment I am really good with diet and exercise so that I can be proud of my accomplishments when I am asked to report them. Then, I get a good report and surgery is still years away and I let my guard down. I think I have plenty of time to do this later, so later it will be.
Between that same feeling of relief and TOM, I have completely let the diet go. I still went to the Newbody class on Sunday which was awesome but the diet has gone out the window. BUT, it ends here. Right now. This minute. I had my standard breakfast of two rye toast with goat cheese and jam and a skim milk latte. I am now sipping a tea at work. I brought lots of healthy snacks with me. I am officially back on track.
I set a goal of 20 lbs gone by Oct 12 and the only way to get there is to just do it. I know how, I have the skills. I have the support of my husband and the ability to do this. Now, it is just the mental game. That, to me, (and I think for most) is the hard part.
To get past the mental part you need to value yourself more than the pleasure you get from the foods you miss. Does that make sense? There are foods we all want, that we really can't have if we are going to be able to lose the weight. Yes, yes, everything in moderation, but really, I don't do moderation. I can't have one cookie, or one M&M (or even a few) or one anything chocolate. So while I am trying to lose this weight, I choose to have none. Every once in a blue moon, when I am out and there is a small portion available to me, I may have some. Just to not feel deprived as I progress along this journey. But I don't bring that food home. I can't. And in not having those foods, it is a choice that I make, that I value myself more, in the long term, than the pleasure I would get, in the short term, from eating those foods.
I value myself more because I would like to survive my surgery. I value myself more because I would like to be around to grow old with my husband. I value myself more because I want to be an awesome aunt to my niece when she is a teenager and thinks her parents are nuts and just don't get her anymore. I want to be at her wedding. I value myself because I don't ever want to have to think about my parents burying me. I value myself because I deserve it. Because I am good and worthy.
So I am back on track. As of right now.
I have also decided to post my weight every week. I have accepted that it will go up and down like a yo-yo. My hormones really cause weight gain every second week, but if I know that I am posting, I stay on track better and hope that will help to minimize the gains. If I can keep the gains to around 1 pound then the loss weeks can be so much better.
So I will weigh in tomorrow, and whatever the number (it will not be good) I will deal with it. I am back on track and am going to do awesome!
I will do this, I deserve it.
For the last 5 or so years I am always determined to have lost weight when I go to the cardiologist. So for a few months before my appointment I am really good with diet and exercise so that I can be proud of my accomplishments when I am asked to report them. Then, I get a good report and surgery is still years away and I let my guard down. I think I have plenty of time to do this later, so later it will be.
Between that same feeling of relief and TOM, I have completely let the diet go. I still went to the Newbody class on Sunday which was awesome but the diet has gone out the window. BUT, it ends here. Right now. This minute. I had my standard breakfast of two rye toast with goat cheese and jam and a skim milk latte. I am now sipping a tea at work. I brought lots of healthy snacks with me. I am officially back on track.
I set a goal of 20 lbs gone by Oct 12 and the only way to get there is to just do it. I know how, I have the skills. I have the support of my husband and the ability to do this. Now, it is just the mental game. That, to me, (and I think for most) is the hard part.
To get past the mental part you need to value yourself more than the pleasure you get from the foods you miss. Does that make sense? There are foods we all want, that we really can't have if we are going to be able to lose the weight. Yes, yes, everything in moderation, but really, I don't do moderation. I can't have one cookie, or one M&M (or even a few) or one anything chocolate. So while I am trying to lose this weight, I choose to have none. Every once in a blue moon, when I am out and there is a small portion available to me, I may have some. Just to not feel deprived as I progress along this journey. But I don't bring that food home. I can't. And in not having those foods, it is a choice that I make, that I value myself more, in the long term, than the pleasure I would get, in the short term, from eating those foods.
I value myself more because I would like to survive my surgery. I value myself more because I would like to be around to grow old with my husband. I value myself more because I want to be an awesome aunt to my niece when she is a teenager and thinks her parents are nuts and just don't get her anymore. I want to be at her wedding. I value myself because I don't ever want to have to think about my parents burying me. I value myself because I deserve it. Because I am good and worthy.
So I am back on track. As of right now.
I have also decided to post my weight every week. I have accepted that it will go up and down like a yo-yo. My hormones really cause weight gain every second week, but if I know that I am posting, I stay on track better and hope that will help to minimize the gains. If I can keep the gains to around 1 pound then the loss weeks can be so much better.
So I will weigh in tomorrow, and whatever the number (it will not be good) I will deal with it. I am back on track and am going to do awesome!
I will do this, I deserve it.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Setting Goals
I am not one to ever set goals. They are just prone to disappoint. But, I am starting to recognize the importance of a target, especially one you share with others and with whom you can celebrate a success.
Growing up my good friend's mother went to Weight Watchers and lost quite a bit of weight. Everytime she would hit 10 pounds lost they would give her a ribbon. I always loved looking at them hanging on her fridge. Well I hit 20 pounds from my highest starting point this week (a little less from when I started this blog) and I told hubby that I wanted 2 ribbons. So he went and printed a banner from the web that has two ribbons with a button that reads "Good Job." It was very sweet and really brightened my day to see that banner stuck to our fridge. It is motivating and encouraging and still brings a smile to my face every time I walk in the door.
I think it is time to set a target of another 20. I was trying to decide by when it would be feasible. I would rather beat my target than not acheive and beat myself up. So I am thinking my wedding anniversary of Oct 12. That is 16 weeks for 20 pounds. Doable but not crazy. It means that I need to be on plan all summer. It means I need to be active not only when I exercise but generally too. It means I need to dust off my bicycle and go for rides on the trail just because I like to and it's fun.
It means I need to not give myself a break, not give myself permission to take a little break from this diet and exercise plan I have laid out for myself. It would be too easy to give myself permission to take a break, cuz I have lost 20 and it's hard, cuz the doctor said my valve is good and surgery is still a while away, because all of my friends are going for gelato and I want to join, because I love to bake and miss it terribly, because of all of those. But I won't, I can't.
I also love that my pants are so loose that they drag the ground and are getting freyed. I love that my summer capris can be pulled off without undoing them and I had to put on a long top to cover that. I love that I tried on a pair of jeans in a size smaller and they fit. I love that I am losing weight and really not suffering for it. Struggling sometimes, but not really suffering.
So I have set the 20 pound goal. I have said it out loud, to hubby, and now to all of you.
I will do this, I will.
Growing up my good friend's mother went to Weight Watchers and lost quite a bit of weight. Everytime she would hit 10 pounds lost they would give her a ribbon. I always loved looking at them hanging on her fridge. Well I hit 20 pounds from my highest starting point this week (a little less from when I started this blog) and I told hubby that I wanted 2 ribbons. So he went and printed a banner from the web that has two ribbons with a button that reads "Good Job." It was very sweet and really brightened my day to see that banner stuck to our fridge. It is motivating and encouraging and still brings a smile to my face every time I walk in the door.
I think it is time to set a target of another 20. I was trying to decide by when it would be feasible. I would rather beat my target than not acheive and beat myself up. So I am thinking my wedding anniversary of Oct 12. That is 16 weeks for 20 pounds. Doable but not crazy. It means that I need to be on plan all summer. It means I need to be active not only when I exercise but generally too. It means I need to dust off my bicycle and go for rides on the trail just because I like to and it's fun.
It means I need to not give myself a break, not give myself permission to take a little break from this diet and exercise plan I have laid out for myself. It would be too easy to give myself permission to take a break, cuz I have lost 20 and it's hard, cuz the doctor said my valve is good and surgery is still a while away, because all of my friends are going for gelato and I want to join, because I love to bake and miss it terribly, because of all of those. But I won't, I can't.
I also love that my pants are so loose that they drag the ground and are getting freyed. I love that my summer capris can be pulled off without undoing them and I had to put on a long top to cover that. I love that I tried on a pair of jeans in a size smaller and they fit. I love that I am losing weight and really not suffering for it. Struggling sometimes, but not really suffering.
So I have set the 20 pound goal. I have said it out loud, to hubby, and now to all of you.
I will do this, I will.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Some Good News
Went for my annual cardiology appointment this morning and got the official word. The valve has not changed. HUGE RELIEF. The dr. went back in my files and noted that it really hasn't changed since 2007 which actually is a really, really good thing. While she still thinks surgery is likely, there is a small chance that it may be quite a ways away. However, she thinks 4 years is the most probable. (No crystal ball of course).
So, I need to keep doing what I am doing and be lighter still when I see her next year. And keep on exercising.
Interestingly, it would seem that my heart issues prevent me from having any sort of weight loss procedure done, she thinks it is too risky for me. So that furthers my resolve to lose the wieght the natural way. I wasn't really ever considering the surgery but when you have been this heavy for this long it is certainly something I have thought about (but only rarely), especially when I hear all of the ads on the radio.
Ended up going to the grocery store, really hungry, looking for breakfast. I had a latte on my way to the dr. but hadn't eaten anything. I was wandering around wondering what yummy thing I could buy, and in the end I made the better choice and bought a small bun, some cheese and a yogurt.
I will do this, I will.
So, I need to keep doing what I am doing and be lighter still when I see her next year. And keep on exercising.
Interestingly, it would seem that my heart issues prevent me from having any sort of weight loss procedure done, she thinks it is too risky for me. So that furthers my resolve to lose the wieght the natural way. I wasn't really ever considering the surgery but when you have been this heavy for this long it is certainly something I have thought about (but only rarely), especially when I hear all of the ads on the radio.
Ended up going to the grocery store, really hungry, looking for breakfast. I had a latte on my way to the dr. but hadn't eaten anything. I was wandering around wondering what yummy thing I could buy, and in the end I made the better choice and bought a small bun, some cheese and a yogurt.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Big Day Tomorrow
Weigh in today. Down another 2.4 lbs, yeah me. I am really trying to maintain at least one pound per week weight loss on a consistent basis. Goal for this week is to track what I am eating and count calories. That is really hard for me. I find it very restrictive and somewhat freakish to have to do it. BUT, it really is the only way to stay accountable and lose the weight. So I will try. And, if I don't do it one day, I will not give up for the week, rather I will try again the next day, and then the next, and then the next, and then.. well you get the idea. I will keep trying until I succeed. This has been a really slow journey for me. I have been working for years at changing my behaviour. The binges have stopped. The PMS eating, the migraine eating, the constant snacking, it really has gotten so much better. I am able to have an off meal and it not turn into an off month. I am able to enjoy restaurants and social events without it derailing my efforts. I am able to eat without feeling bad about it. I am able to make better choices and be proud of that accomplishment without feeling deprived. Those are all victories in this battle and I am grateful for them.
It is interesting that I am no longer nauseas when I eat. It used to be that I would eat a meal and then feel really nauseas. I have no idea what it was that was causing it, but as I have been improving my diet it has disappeared. I am on the watch for it and will journal any meals that cause it to figure out the trigger, but I have to say, for now it is gone. And that alone, has made a huge difference for me.
Tomorrow is my annual cardiology appointment. I am scared out of my wits. They weigh you before your appointment and I am probably 10lbs higher than last year. Man am I going to take crap for that. In any event, it is what it is and I can't dwell on that, so I will be proud of what I have accomplished in these last 3 months and continue to work hard at it.
I will do this, I will.
It is interesting that I am no longer nauseas when I eat. It used to be that I would eat a meal and then feel really nauseas. I have no idea what it was that was causing it, but as I have been improving my diet it has disappeared. I am on the watch for it and will journal any meals that cause it to figure out the trigger, but I have to say, for now it is gone. And that alone, has made a huge difference for me.
Tomorrow is my annual cardiology appointment. I am scared out of my wits. They weigh you before your appointment and I am probably 10lbs higher than last year. Man am I going to take crap for that. In any event, it is what it is and I can't dwell on that, so I will be proud of what I have accomplished in these last 3 months and continue to work hard at it.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Doing OK
I have been really watching the diet and trying to do more cardio and not as much strength training. The scale is starting to respond again. What a slow, aggravating process. I know I need strength training too and will add it back in again, but maybe not 4 in one week. Maybe 4 total cardio sessions and only 2 strength training ones.
I am trying to add more fiber into my diet. One it will help to keep me full and two it will help in the constipation area. As i change my diet, I eat less starch, I eat more protein, I lose more weight, my system shuts down. Crazy cycle, no? Anyways, I have read that 25g of fiber per day is what you need so I will try to get there each day. I get 5g in the morning with my oatmeal, and now I have changed my afternoon snack to be bran buds with yogurt which will give me 11g more. I also eat an orange per day which gives me 2.5g. So that totals 18.5g. I think if I eat that way every day, I will hit my target as I eat alot of veggies with both my lunch and my dinner and I will now try to pick high fiber ones. Last night we had crumbled some ground chicken with mushrooms, onions and lots of peas. It was drizzled with a homemade asian sauce and really yummy. Total portion of 1.5 cups and it was very satisfying. The peas were very high fiber so if I use that meal as an example, I would hit my total daily target for sure.
Weigh in tomorrow, I am excited.
I will do this, I will.
I am trying to add more fiber into my diet. One it will help to keep me full and two it will help in the constipation area. As i change my diet, I eat less starch, I eat more protein, I lose more weight, my system shuts down. Crazy cycle, no? Anyways, I have read that 25g of fiber per day is what you need so I will try to get there each day. I get 5g in the morning with my oatmeal, and now I have changed my afternoon snack to be bran buds with yogurt which will give me 11g more. I also eat an orange per day which gives me 2.5g. So that totals 18.5g. I think if I eat that way every day, I will hit my target as I eat alot of veggies with both my lunch and my dinner and I will now try to pick high fiber ones. Last night we had crumbled some ground chicken with mushrooms, onions and lots of peas. It was drizzled with a homemade asian sauce and really yummy. Total portion of 1.5 cups and it was very satisfying. The peas were very high fiber so if I use that meal as an example, I would hit my total daily target for sure.
Weigh in tomorrow, I am excited.
I will do this, I will.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Frustrated and Angry
I am frustrated and angry. I am doing really well on my diet and I am working out like never before and the scale is not moving. It is quite stuck. It has not moved in a week, not up, not down, nothing. It is bizarre. I am frustrated that my efforts are not being rewarded. I am angry that my efforts are not being rewarded. I want the scale to move. I want it to say "good job, good for you. You have joined a gym, you worked out four times last week. You haven't had chocolate or coke in a month. You are awesome." But it's not, it is stuck and I am angry and discouraged.
I was compaining to hubby this morning. I said if the scale is not going to budge at least let me know it was for a good reason. At least let me have enjoyed it. I would have liked to share in the french fries that came with the take out rotiserie chicken. I would have had pizza on pizza day at work. I would not be eating so many salads and measuring my dressing. I would have lived like a normal person and been happy.
Instead, I am frustrated and angry.
Of course he tried to reassure me and said my body will catch up and lose eventually.
I know he is right and it will. But in the meantime. It sucks.
I will do this, I will.
I was compaining to hubby this morning. I said if the scale is not going to budge at least let me know it was for a good reason. At least let me have enjoyed it. I would have liked to share in the french fries that came with the take out rotiserie chicken. I would have had pizza on pizza day at work. I would not be eating so many salads and measuring my dressing. I would have lived like a normal person and been happy.
Instead, I am frustrated and angry.
Of course he tried to reassure me and said my body will catch up and lose eventually.
I know he is right and it will. But in the meantime. It sucks.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Stiff, sore and proud
Went to the gym last night. Did 25 minutes of laps in the pool. I was on swim team when I was a kid, so my technique is still pretty solid. All that to say I think I got a pretty good cardio workout in.
I am still sore from the Newbody class on the weekend. My sides are hurting a lot so I guess I used more oblique muscles than I have in a while. Interesting reminder that they are there and obviously underused.
Struggling a bit with the diet. Overall calories are ok but I am not losing. Spoke to the dietitian today and she would like me to try to cut back on the starches to less than 5 servings per day. I eat a lot of peas and have been counting them as veg instead of starch, so I think I need to find a new green vegetable for the week. I also think I will try to add salad back into my life. I ate so much of it at the beginning that I got really sick of it. Rabbit food, yuck!
Aquafit tonight, excited to try the class. Though I have to say the pool was a bit gross in that the water was very cloudy. I am hoping it's the chemicals they use and not the lack thereof.
Water goal for the week is a minimum of 60ounces while at work. So less starch, more water, we'll see how it goes.
I will do this, I will.
I am still sore from the Newbody class on the weekend. My sides are hurting a lot so I guess I used more oblique muscles than I have in a while. Interesting reminder that they are there and obviously underused.
Struggling a bit with the diet. Overall calories are ok but I am not losing. Spoke to the dietitian today and she would like me to try to cut back on the starches to less than 5 servings per day. I eat a lot of peas and have been counting them as veg instead of starch, so I think I need to find a new green vegetable for the week. I also think I will try to add salad back into my life. I ate so much of it at the beginning that I got really sick of it. Rabbit food, yuck!
Aquafit tonight, excited to try the class. Though I have to say the pool was a bit gross in that the water was very cloudy. I am hoping it's the chemicals they use and not the lack thereof.
Water goal for the week is a minimum of 60ounces while at work. So less starch, more water, we'll see how it goes.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Water and weight loss
I have been wondering of late if water really makes a difference in weight loss. I read a lot of blogs and people are adamant that the more you drink the more you lose. The reasons vary from flushing out toxins to liver cleanses to not being as hungry. I am not sure I am convinced. But, in the attempt at having an open mind and trying new things, I am now starting my day with a glass of lemon water. It is supposed to be a gentle liver cleanse and one that I am convinced will do no harm.
I was also told that the number of ounces I should drink in a day is equivalent to half my body weight. So by my count that would translate to 5.5litres a day or roughly 22 glasses. I think if I did that I would live in the bathroom.
I have purchased a 20 ounce Sigg bottle and keep it by my desk. To start, I am trying to drink three bottles per work day. I drink another glass in the morning and another with dinner and by the formula above I am still 100 ounces (or 13ish) glasses short.
Like everything else along this journey, it will come in time.
Please let me know what your experience is with water and weight loss.
I will do this, I will.
I was also told that the number of ounces I should drink in a day is equivalent to half my body weight. So by my count that would translate to 5.5litres a day or roughly 22 glasses. I think if I did that I would live in the bathroom.
I have purchased a 20 ounce Sigg bottle and keep it by my desk. To start, I am trying to drink three bottles per work day. I drink another glass in the morning and another with dinner and by the formula above I am still 100 ounces (or 13ish) glasses short.
Like everything else along this journey, it will come in time.
Please let me know what your experience is with water and weight loss.
I will do this, I will.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Stiff and sore but feeling pretty good.
So I did two workouts this weekend. TWO. WORKOUTS. ME! Sorry for the excitement but really, me? Anyways, Saturday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and then 45 of weights. This was done at home. We have a really ancient treadmill in my house and I never use it. The track always used to slip and that would really scare me. I am horribly afraid of falling on a good day, and the fear of falling off the treadmill is too much. So I have avoided it at all costs. Well I know that, really, I need to do something other than elliptical at home and so on Saturday I decided to try it again. And guess what, it was fine. I was able to walk the full 20 minutes and it never slipped. Not even once. I went really slowly (2.8mph) just to be sure but it was ok. I know, I sound a bit like a broken record, but it really did surprise me.
Then on Sunday I decided to attend a class called Newbody. It is essentially a low impact aerobics class in which there is some very light resistance training. I hung out at the back of the class and tried my best to follow. It was pretty hard, but I did the whole class and was pretty proud of myself. The class was very welcoming and not too overwhelming so I will try to make it my Sunday routine. There were a few other people in there looking a little lost, so it was nice to have company.
Needless to say, after two days in a row I am stiff and sore and think that maybe it would be too much to go to aquafitness tonight. If I am not too tired, I might try to walk on the treadmill for a bit (just to do something). I am a little concerned that if I push too hard too soon, I will quit. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to pace myself. I am debating a schedule of Saturday - full workout at home, Sunday - Newbody, then Monday & Tuesday off, then Aquafit on Wed, Newbody on Thurs, and Friday off. I might try that this week and see how it goes.
I will do this, I will.
Then on Sunday I decided to attend a class called Newbody. It is essentially a low impact aerobics class in which there is some very light resistance training. I hung out at the back of the class and tried my best to follow. It was pretty hard, but I did the whole class and was pretty proud of myself. The class was very welcoming and not too overwhelming so I will try to make it my Sunday routine. There were a few other people in there looking a little lost, so it was nice to have company.
Needless to say, after two days in a row I am stiff and sore and think that maybe it would be too much to go to aquafitness tonight. If I am not too tired, I might try to walk on the treadmill for a bit (just to do something). I am a little concerned that if I push too hard too soon, I will quit. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to pace myself. I am debating a schedule of Saturday - full workout at home, Sunday - Newbody, then Monday & Tuesday off, then Aquafit on Wed, Newbody on Thurs, and Friday off. I might try that this week and see how it goes.
I will do this, I will.
Friday, June 11, 2010
18 months to goal!
Today was my annual echo. For those of you who don't know, it is essentially an ultrasound of the heart and in my case it is used to measure the diameter of my aortic valve. Once the valve gets too narrow it will mean surgery to replace it. It is huge surgery (though becoming more and more common) and will result in a one week stay in ICU and potentially 6 months off from work.
I am very scared of it and not ready.
I was born with a malformed valve and there is nothing I can do to prevent or delay the surgery. All I can do is be in good physical shape for the surgery to make my odds of survival better.
I have known about this for 10 years and have yet to get my shit together enough to get in shape and get ready. The more I think about why that is, the more I have come to realize that it is precisely because I am not ready that I have not gotten ready. I feel like if I get in shape and am ready for surgery then I have to face my fear of the surgery and of not surviving it and I am not ready to do that.
The lunacy of the whole thing though is that I am not in control of when I will need the surgery. My valve will continue to narrow over time and surgery will need to be done at some point whether I am ready or not. And so, rationally, I need to get in shape now so that my body is ready for surgery whether I am emotionally ready or not. My body needs to be strong enough so when that day comes it will go fine.
I begged the technician to give me my results which of course she couldn't do, but she did tell me that she didn't think there was any major change from last year. That's HUGE! If the valve is essentially the same then I have at least 18 months before surgery.
So, 18 months. I want to lose at minimum 106 pounds before then, but really more importantly I think, I need to be in much better physical health by then. I need to have much more stamina, much more cardio capacity, much more strength to get through the surgery itself and then to be able to come off the heart bypass machine and the respirator.
So I have registered at the Gym and I have my diet plan and I will continue to lose weight. If I continue to lose 1 pound per week I will have lost 78 pounds by then. At my current rate of loss, it will be 102lbs gone. Hopefully, with increasing exercise I will blow both of those numbers out of the water.
I will do this, I will.
I am very scared of it and not ready.
I was born with a malformed valve and there is nothing I can do to prevent or delay the surgery. All I can do is be in good physical shape for the surgery to make my odds of survival better.
I have known about this for 10 years and have yet to get my shit together enough to get in shape and get ready. The more I think about why that is, the more I have come to realize that it is precisely because I am not ready that I have not gotten ready. I feel like if I get in shape and am ready for surgery then I have to face my fear of the surgery and of not surviving it and I am not ready to do that.
The lunacy of the whole thing though is that I am not in control of when I will need the surgery. My valve will continue to narrow over time and surgery will need to be done at some point whether I am ready or not. And so, rationally, I need to get in shape now so that my body is ready for surgery whether I am emotionally ready or not. My body needs to be strong enough so when that day comes it will go fine.
I begged the technician to give me my results which of course she couldn't do, but she did tell me that she didn't think there was any major change from last year. That's HUGE! If the valve is essentially the same then I have at least 18 months before surgery.
So, 18 months. I want to lose at minimum 106 pounds before then, but really more importantly I think, I need to be in much better physical health by then. I need to have much more stamina, much more cardio capacity, much more strength to get through the surgery itself and then to be able to come off the heart bypass machine and the respirator.
So I have registered at the Gym and I have my diet plan and I will continue to lose weight. If I continue to lose 1 pound per week I will have lost 78 pounds by then. At my current rate of loss, it will be 102lbs gone. Hopefully, with increasing exercise I will blow both of those numbers out of the water.
I will do this, I will.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Good choices, bad choices
So I went to see the gym last night and signed up. It felt great and I was very excited. The gym itself was a good mix of all types of people. Not too many "hardbodies" and it didn't have the feel of a "pick-up joint" I was lucky enough to be able to observe an aqua fitness class which I will make a point of taking. I have also been very interested in trying a body pump class which is essentially a full body resistance workout with free weights. It is geared more towards beginners and they offer a Sunday morning class for it, so I think I will attend this weekend and give it a try. I will without a doubt be the largest one in the room, but what the hell, we all need to start somewhere.
My husband got a call early yesterday that his brother was delirious and could he go to the hospital and spend the day. So he went and spent the day with his brother. It was a pretty rough day. The man could not sit still and kept trying to take out his IV and other tubes. When his lunch came, it included a Jello container. He didn't realize he needed to take the lid off and then once he was told to take the lid off he tried to eat it with a knife. Hubby was pretty upset by the time he got home and really worn down and all he wanted was his favorite meal for dinner. And guess what, that means wings.
So we went for the wings and I had them and they were delicious and completely and totally off plan. Anyways, at 5am I was woken up by a horrendous migraine. I took the strongest medicine I have and it is not working. Not even a little. I am sitting here, in my office, in the dark trying to cope, but this is going to be a long day. I am wondering if the sodium content of the meal caused the migraine. We really try to minimize our sodium consumption and my body is pretty salt sensitive. So maybe, I will have to watch for that.
Today, I am 100% on plan (oatmeal for bfast, chicken & veggies for lunch, yogurt and an orange for snacks) and with my new exercise plans hopefully the chicken wings will not derail me too much.
I will do this, I will.
My husband got a call early yesterday that his brother was delirious and could he go to the hospital and spend the day. So he went and spent the day with his brother. It was a pretty rough day. The man could not sit still and kept trying to take out his IV and other tubes. When his lunch came, it included a Jello container. He didn't realize he needed to take the lid off and then once he was told to take the lid off he tried to eat it with a knife. Hubby was pretty upset by the time he got home and really worn down and all he wanted was his favorite meal for dinner. And guess what, that means wings.
So we went for the wings and I had them and they were delicious and completely and totally off plan. Anyways, at 5am I was woken up by a horrendous migraine. I took the strongest medicine I have and it is not working. Not even a little. I am sitting here, in my office, in the dark trying to cope, but this is going to be a long day. I am wondering if the sodium content of the meal caused the migraine. We really try to minimize our sodium consumption and my body is pretty salt sensitive. So maybe, I will have to watch for that.
Today, I am 100% on plan (oatmeal for bfast, chicken & veggies for lunch, yogurt and an orange for snacks) and with my new exercise plans hopefully the chicken wings will not derail me too much.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Going to visit a gym
Just a quick blog today. Work is crazy and life is crazy but I am trying to keep my eating on plan. I researched a few gyms and found one close to home that has a pool. I am a little concerned about the pool hours as they have classes right after work and wonder if that would encourage me to go to a class or discourage me from going at all. But, I made an appointment to go see the club and will go tonight. They also are having a promotion "this week" so there is no initiation fee. I always wonder if that is just a gimmick to make you commit on the spot or if they always have that promotion. At any rate, I can afford the monthly fee and really need to ramp up the exercise, so I will go tour the facility and keep an open mind.
I am excited about this!
I will do this, I will.
I am excited about this!
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Looking into gyms
My brother in law is holding, though struggling a bit. We are all hopeful. It is causing me lots of stress though. Not just for him and his welfare but also because it is making my surgery more real for me and I am realizing that I am not ready. I am not ready emotionally for the ordeal and I am certainly not ready physically. I am hoping that since I am still symptom free that I will have at least one more year to get ready.
To get myself more ready, I need to improve my cardio fitness. And so, as the title of this post suggests I am looking into gyms. I would like to find a gym either close to work or close to home that has a pool. The only exercise that I actually enjoy doing is swimming. It allows me to exercise without getting the chafing, the sweaty feeling, the general grossness that I get from the elliptical or the treadmill. So I have started to look into gyms. I think I have found one not too far from the house. I will go visit them this week to check it out.
As of this morning I am down 2.2 from last weigh in. Since I went to the dietitian today (one day early) I am posting this as my official weigh in.
Hopefully by this time next week I will have joined a gym and will have hit the pool a few times. For those of you following this blog, I spoke of buying myself a treadmill for my birthday this year, but I am thinking that the money might be better spent on a gym membership and some training sessions. I tend to do better when I have an appointment outside of the house. If I stop to exercise on my way home from work, I tend to actually do it. Once I get home, I tend to find a million reasons not to exercise.
I will do this, I will.
To get myself more ready, I need to improve my cardio fitness. And so, as the title of this post suggests I am looking into gyms. I would like to find a gym either close to work or close to home that has a pool. The only exercise that I actually enjoy doing is swimming. It allows me to exercise without getting the chafing, the sweaty feeling, the general grossness that I get from the elliptical or the treadmill. So I have started to look into gyms. I think I have found one not too far from the house. I will go visit them this week to check it out.
As of this morning I am down 2.2 from last weigh in. Since I went to the dietitian today (one day early) I am posting this as my official weigh in.
Hopefully by this time next week I will have joined a gym and will have hit the pool a few times. For those of you following this blog, I spoke of buying myself a treadmill for my birthday this year, but I am thinking that the money might be better spent on a gym membership and some training sessions. I tend to do better when I have an appointment outside of the house. If I stop to exercise on my way home from work, I tend to actually do it. Once I get home, I tend to find a million reasons not to exercise.
I will do this, I will.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Please excuse my absence
Ok, I'm back.
It has been quite a week. My brother in law(hubby's brother) had a perforated bowel last friday and needed emergency surgery. He had a septis infection but the surgery went relatively well. Then on the weekend, he had a massive heart attack and has been in pretty rough shape in ICU. So we have been spending time in the hospital with him and his wife. He is starting to get better, but he has a really long road to recovery ahead and we are keeping him in our prayers.
In the interim, I got through TOM without a gain and the scale is starting to head back down again. I have discovered through this process that my body will only lose every second week but if I stick to plan I will lose overall. I am learning not to sabotage my efforts during hormone weeks so that non hormone weeks can really have a good weight loss. I am currently down a half pound from last weigh in and expect a good loss this week. I still haven't decided if I will post my weight every week or every two. I think posting my weight every week might get depressing but then I do weigh myself so why not share? I am debating and will decide.
I am still trying to make good choices, had salad and yogurt at the hospital. No muffins, no chocolate, no pizza. At my office they bring in pizza for the staff on the first Thursday of every month and yesterday, I brought chicken with half of a yam and some peas. I was pretty proud of myself sitting in the lunch room eating my lunch while everyone else was having pizza.
Exercise has gone out the window with the hospital runs this week, but I plan to get back on the elliptical this weekend.
My annual cardiology appointments start next week and I am pretty nervous. I am starting to have a little pain and am not sure if it is muscular or heart related and will ask the doctor when I see her. If it is heart related then surgery is closer and I will need to up the weight loss. Just not sure how. I am getting ahead of myself and will know the results of all of the tests at the end of the month. So I am just trying to stay on plan until then and keep doing what I am doing. I can't worry too much about what I can't control, but it is really hard not to.
I will do this, I will.
It has been quite a week. My brother in law(hubby's brother) had a perforated bowel last friday and needed emergency surgery. He had a septis infection but the surgery went relatively well. Then on the weekend, he had a massive heart attack and has been in pretty rough shape in ICU. So we have been spending time in the hospital with him and his wife. He is starting to get better, but he has a really long road to recovery ahead and we are keeping him in our prayers.
In the interim, I got through TOM without a gain and the scale is starting to head back down again. I have discovered through this process that my body will only lose every second week but if I stick to plan I will lose overall. I am learning not to sabotage my efforts during hormone weeks so that non hormone weeks can really have a good weight loss. I am currently down a half pound from last weigh in and expect a good loss this week. I still haven't decided if I will post my weight every week or every two. I think posting my weight every week might get depressing but then I do weigh myself so why not share? I am debating and will decide.
I am still trying to make good choices, had salad and yogurt at the hospital. No muffins, no chocolate, no pizza. At my office they bring in pizza for the staff on the first Thursday of every month and yesterday, I brought chicken with half of a yam and some peas. I was pretty proud of myself sitting in the lunch room eating my lunch while everyone else was having pizza.
Exercise has gone out the window with the hospital runs this week, but I plan to get back on the elliptical this weekend.
My annual cardiology appointments start next week and I am pretty nervous. I am starting to have a little pain and am not sure if it is muscular or heart related and will ask the doctor when I see her. If it is heart related then surgery is closer and I will need to up the weight loss. Just not sure how. I am getting ahead of myself and will know the results of all of the tests at the end of the month. So I am just trying to stay on plan until then and keep doing what I am doing. I can't worry too much about what I can't control, but it is really hard not to.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The scale dropped
Just a quick note to say that the scale finally dropped again. I am starting to see a pattern in my body and weight loss and am realizing that I will lose every second week but in the intervening, hormone laden weeks I will not. So, I will try to hold for those weeks and then, if I stay on plan, I will lose for the other weeks. Hopefully, and it should if I am on plan, I will lose well in the loss weeks and overall still have a steady 2 lbs per week weight loss over a period of a month.
More later....
More later....
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A successful trip
Just back from Las Vegas, celebrating my dad's 70th birthday. Had a great time, visiting with family (my sister and her family flew in too).
My plan for the 5 days was to eat as clean as possible and walk a lot. Well, overall, I succeeded on both fronts.
I blistered my feet (sandals and I don't get along) and my eating was pretty good. Three meals a day with no snacks as my meals were bigger than normal. When I did need a snack I bought an orange or a yogurt. I tried hard not to finish the portion of food served to me. I can't believe how big the portions are in the US. I hear about it on the news all the time and figured there would not be that big of a difference from here in Canada, but wow. My husband and I even shared a breakfast one morning because the portion was so big.
Anyway, got on the scale when I got back and was almost exactly the same. Then, this morning I got on the scale again and I am down almost a pound from when I left. WOW. I don't think I have ever stayed the same on vacation. I am very proud of myself. I had a plan, and I stuck to it.
For lunch one day I ordered salad with crab. Another day, I ordered sliced pork with some rice and soup. For dinner one day, I ordered halibut with veggies. Another, we went to a steakhouse and I ordered the smallest steak on the menu (a petit filet at 8oz) and some peas. The peas were swimming in butter but overall a much better choice than what I would have made in the past.
I had gained a little weight in the week before I left and that is slowly coming back off, so I'll report the official weigh-in tomorrow. I expect I will still be up a little but I am totally back on track and will kick it this week.
Another thing I am learning about is how my body reacts to sugar. I always knew that I was sugar sensitive. My doctor told me when I was in college that I was probably hypoglycemic. I have never been tested for that specifically, but the fact that I get migraines if I go too long without food probably confirms it. My fasting glucose test has always been normal and my doctor even did the three month blood test which was also normal, so I am thankfully not diabetic, but boy does my body react badly to sugar. Had a craving for sweet last night and our calories for the day were pretty low, so Hubby and I had some frozen yogurt with a small piece of chocolate cake. We definitely had more than we should and it was almost 11 at night and boy was I sick last night. I slept really poorly and was woken at 3am feeling nauseus and unwell. I think that happens to me only when I have sugar. Also, I was away 5 days, in a strange place, with a time change and long flights and I had no headaches. No Migraines, No Headaches, no nothing. I was so happy I could not beleive it. Then last night, I had sugar and this morning, bang, a headache. Not a bad one, but definitely there.
My sister has been bugging me for a while that my migraines are probably food triggered and she wants me to get that checked out. Then Lynn over at Escape from Obesity blogged that when she cut out sugar completely her migraines went away. I really didn't think that could be possible, that mine weren't sugar related at all. Now, I am not so sure. I definitely get them for other reasons as well (hormones mostly) but maybe some are sugar related. I will have to pay closer attention to that and see.
It's good to be back, looking forward to catching up on all of the blogs I follow. Looking forward to a great week.
I will do this, I will.
My plan for the 5 days was to eat as clean as possible and walk a lot. Well, overall, I succeeded on both fronts.
I blistered my feet (sandals and I don't get along) and my eating was pretty good. Three meals a day with no snacks as my meals were bigger than normal. When I did need a snack I bought an orange or a yogurt. I tried hard not to finish the portion of food served to me. I can't believe how big the portions are in the US. I hear about it on the news all the time and figured there would not be that big of a difference from here in Canada, but wow. My husband and I even shared a breakfast one morning because the portion was so big.
Anyway, got on the scale when I got back and was almost exactly the same. Then, this morning I got on the scale again and I am down almost a pound from when I left. WOW. I don't think I have ever stayed the same on vacation. I am very proud of myself. I had a plan, and I stuck to it.
For lunch one day I ordered salad with crab. Another day, I ordered sliced pork with some rice and soup. For dinner one day, I ordered halibut with veggies. Another, we went to a steakhouse and I ordered the smallest steak on the menu (a petit filet at 8oz) and some peas. The peas were swimming in butter but overall a much better choice than what I would have made in the past.
I had gained a little weight in the week before I left and that is slowly coming back off, so I'll report the official weigh-in tomorrow. I expect I will still be up a little but I am totally back on track and will kick it this week.
Another thing I am learning about is how my body reacts to sugar. I always knew that I was sugar sensitive. My doctor told me when I was in college that I was probably hypoglycemic. I have never been tested for that specifically, but the fact that I get migraines if I go too long without food probably confirms it. My fasting glucose test has always been normal and my doctor even did the three month blood test which was also normal, so I am thankfully not diabetic, but boy does my body react badly to sugar. Had a craving for sweet last night and our calories for the day were pretty low, so Hubby and I had some frozen yogurt with a small piece of chocolate cake. We definitely had more than we should and it was almost 11 at night and boy was I sick last night. I slept really poorly and was woken at 3am feeling nauseus and unwell. I think that happens to me only when I have sugar. Also, I was away 5 days, in a strange place, with a time change and long flights and I had no headaches. No Migraines, No Headaches, no nothing. I was so happy I could not beleive it. Then last night, I had sugar and this morning, bang, a headache. Not a bad one, but definitely there.
My sister has been bugging me for a while that my migraines are probably food triggered and she wants me to get that checked out. Then Lynn over at Escape from Obesity blogged that when she cut out sugar completely her migraines went away. I really didn't think that could be possible, that mine weren't sugar related at all. Now, I am not so sure. I definitely get them for other reasons as well (hormones mostly) but maybe some are sugar related. I will have to pay closer attention to that and see.
It's good to be back, looking forward to catching up on all of the blogs I follow. Looking forward to a great week.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Feeling better, finally
Headache free today. Man was that a rough go. Had a pretty rough time of it of late but feel pretty good today and hope to stay well for a while.
All of the meds I have been taking have messed with my weight. I have been pretty good on the diet and can't get my rings on again, so I am pretty sure it is water weight that is reflecting on the scale. Also, all of the meds plug up the digestive system, so I have been trying to eat tons of fiber the last couple of days. It is starting to help the digestive track, but the extra calories are probably not great overall. All that to say that the scale is up 2 pounds, with official weigh in tomorrow, but it will come off next week. My body goes in cycles like this and I am learning to embrace it and not get discouraged.
We are heading out on vacation tomorrow. Meeting up with my family in Las Vegas. My plan is to eat as cleanly as I can and to walk, a lot.
My sister is bringing her laptop to Vegas, so hopefully I can borrow that to blog from there.
In the interim, have a great week. Respect your body, be good to yourself and we'll chat no later than Monday. Promise.
I will do this, I will.
All of the meds I have been taking have messed with my weight. I have been pretty good on the diet and can't get my rings on again, so I am pretty sure it is water weight that is reflecting on the scale. Also, all of the meds plug up the digestive system, so I have been trying to eat tons of fiber the last couple of days. It is starting to help the digestive track, but the extra calories are probably not great overall. All that to say that the scale is up 2 pounds, with official weigh in tomorrow, but it will come off next week. My body goes in cycles like this and I am learning to embrace it and not get discouraged.
We are heading out on vacation tomorrow. Meeting up with my family in Las Vegas. My plan is to eat as cleanly as I can and to walk, a lot.
My sister is bringing her laptop to Vegas, so hopefully I can borrow that to blog from there.
In the interim, have a great week. Respect your body, be good to yourself and we'll chat no later than Monday. Promise.
I will do this, I will.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Compassion amidst pain
I have decided that for this week I am not going to weigh myself. I think it is causing me too much grief. I am struggling enough with making good choices and exercising and keeping the migraines at bay, and to add one more stress point is setting me over the edge.
So, until next weigh-in, I am off the scale.
Let's see if I can hold out.
I will keep to my eating plan, nourish myself with good food. Try to be as active as I can and accept whatever comes next week. Over the long haul, and that is what this journey is, it will be fine.
I had a doozy of a migraine last night, dinner ended up being cereal, and then some toast with cheese. A bit of a mess but I was in no shape to cook. Hubby was not helpful at all and I was pretty mad. He is really good at becoming a lump on a log when I feel sick. He doesn't know what to do for me and so it seems he just hunkers down and does nothing.
And man, does that piss me off. I mean really, show some compassion. Ask me what he can do to help. Offer to make dinner. Make a cold compress to put on my head. Do something to show compassion and thoughtfulness. I tried to explain all of this to him, but he just says there is nothing he can do for the headache. He's right, there is nothing he can do for the headache. I will take my meds and sleep it off and the headache will go away.
That is not what this is about. This is about me feeling scared and vulnerable and worried and needing to know that he is there for me, not just when everything is great but also when things are crappy and I am sick. This is about me needing pretty major surgery in a few years and being scared that he is not going to be able to handle it. This is about me wanting him to acknowledge that I feel like crap and that it's ok to feel like crap, that he loves me anyways.
I know that he does, and rationally I am way overthinking all of this and it will all be fine. But, the emotional, overthinker, who is always scared and overwhelmed gets more so when I am feeling sick and needs that little reassurance to keep me grounded.
He doesn't read this blog and while he knows that I write it and that lots of people read it, he hasn't yet seen any of these postings. I will share this one with him. He is my rock and I love him, and maybe if he reads this, he will learn a little bit more about me and be able to help me in a way I think I need. And maybe, by sharing it, I will learn a little more about myself and be able to dial back on the insecurities and learn to deal better. Maybe there is a middle ground and we can find it.
I will do this, I will.
So, until next weigh-in, I am off the scale.
Let's see if I can hold out.
I will keep to my eating plan, nourish myself with good food. Try to be as active as I can and accept whatever comes next week. Over the long haul, and that is what this journey is, it will be fine.
I had a doozy of a migraine last night, dinner ended up being cereal, and then some toast with cheese. A bit of a mess but I was in no shape to cook. Hubby was not helpful at all and I was pretty mad. He is really good at becoming a lump on a log when I feel sick. He doesn't know what to do for me and so it seems he just hunkers down and does nothing.
And man, does that piss me off. I mean really, show some compassion. Ask me what he can do to help. Offer to make dinner. Make a cold compress to put on my head. Do something to show compassion and thoughtfulness. I tried to explain all of this to him, but he just says there is nothing he can do for the headache. He's right, there is nothing he can do for the headache. I will take my meds and sleep it off and the headache will go away.
That is not what this is about. This is about me feeling scared and vulnerable and worried and needing to know that he is there for me, not just when everything is great but also when things are crappy and I am sick. This is about me needing pretty major surgery in a few years and being scared that he is not going to be able to handle it. This is about me wanting him to acknowledge that I feel like crap and that it's ok to feel like crap, that he loves me anyways.
I know that he does, and rationally I am way overthinking all of this and it will all be fine. But, the emotional, overthinker, who is always scared and overwhelmed gets more so when I am feeling sick and needs that little reassurance to keep me grounded.
He doesn't read this blog and while he knows that I write it and that lots of people read it, he hasn't yet seen any of these postings. I will share this one with him. He is my rock and I love him, and maybe if he reads this, he will learn a little bit more about me and be able to help me in a way I think I need. And maybe, by sharing it, I will learn a little more about myself and be able to dial back on the insecurities and learn to deal better. Maybe there is a middle ground and we can find it.
I will do this, I will.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Nurturing the soul
I have been really cranky lately. I know I am not much fun to be around when I am cranky and I think hubby deserves a medal for putting up with me.
There is a lot going on at work, my boss is not the easiest guy to work for and lots of "stuff" going on in the family. I have been looking at everything in a pretty negative way lately and feeling pretty unhappy. I am getting tired of being cranky. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and having a bad attitude and thinking, no one is going through this, no one is going to understand.
But when I look around, really, really, look around, I realize that I have so much. So much to be thankful for. My hubby and I are solid. My job (not the boss, just the work) is pretty good. Even my boss, maybe I can figure out a way to not let him get to me. I am able to be in control of this life that I have and live it in any way that I choose.
So from today, I choose to be thankful. I choose to be happy. If I choose to live that way, in a happy, nurturing way, then my life will be that way. It will make the rest easier to deal with. And by being happy, I will be in a better place to deal with whatever gets thrown at me. So I will not only nurture my body with good food and some exercise, I will try to nurture my soul too. I will spend some time thinking about how to do that. I will take better care of the whole me. From today.
I will do this, I deserve it!
There is a lot going on at work, my boss is not the easiest guy to work for and lots of "stuff" going on in the family. I have been looking at everything in a pretty negative way lately and feeling pretty unhappy. I am getting tired of being cranky. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and having a bad attitude and thinking, no one is going through this, no one is going to understand.
But when I look around, really, really, look around, I realize that I have so much. So much to be thankful for. My hubby and I are solid. My job (not the boss, just the work) is pretty good. Even my boss, maybe I can figure out a way to not let him get to me. I am able to be in control of this life that I have and live it in any way that I choose.
So from today, I choose to be thankful. I choose to be happy. If I choose to live that way, in a happy, nurturing way, then my life will be that way. It will make the rest easier to deal with. And by being happy, I will be in a better place to deal with whatever gets thrown at me. So I will not only nurture my body with good food and some exercise, I will try to nurture my soul too. I will spend some time thinking about how to do that. I will take better care of the whole me. From today.
I will do this, I deserve it!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Obsession abounds
Weigh In today. I have a loss for the week of 5.2 pounds. Unbelievable. I don't think I have ever lost that amount of weight in one week. Ever.
I weigh myself everyday. I know you are only supposed to weigh in once per week but I do it everyday right when I get up. I believe that it helps to keep me on track. If the number is down from the day before it motivates me to keep up with the diet. If the number is higher it gives me a bit of a kick to get on track.
But it is a problem and not one that I know how to solve. This week, I knew I was on plan. I knew I was having a good week. Did I really need to know how the scale was reacting every day? What ended up happening was by yesterday, I was so afraid of doing something that would make the scale go up that I was afraid to eat. Me, afraid to eat. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would be my reaction. I really had to talk myself into eating dinner last night. I was able to prepare a healthy one, but I was obsessed about keeping the sodium levels low so that I wouldn't be retaining water for this morning's weigh-in.
I am not sure what to do with this. I know, logically, that I will not lose 5lbs in a week each week. I know, logically, that it would be lunacy to try and that it would cause me all sorts of headaches and lethargy if I did. But the scale moved a lot and that's really motivating. I know, logically that the number on the scale is not all that important but I need to be under 250 for my surgery, so for me, it is.
I haven't decided how I am going to handle this yet. I still feel the need to weigh myself everyday as the mental check in with myself. I think though, that as part of that mental check in, I need to continue to remind myself that I need to eat enough food to fuel my body, prevent the migraines and give myself enough fuel to function well at work. I will try to maintain a weight loss of 2lbs per week and not be so obsessive about this. I just haven't figured out how.
I will do this, I will.
I weigh myself everyday. I know you are only supposed to weigh in once per week but I do it everyday right when I get up. I believe that it helps to keep me on track. If the number is down from the day before it motivates me to keep up with the diet. If the number is higher it gives me a bit of a kick to get on track.
But it is a problem and not one that I know how to solve. This week, I knew I was on plan. I knew I was having a good week. Did I really need to know how the scale was reacting every day? What ended up happening was by yesterday, I was so afraid of doing something that would make the scale go up that I was afraid to eat. Me, afraid to eat. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would be my reaction. I really had to talk myself into eating dinner last night. I was able to prepare a healthy one, but I was obsessed about keeping the sodium levels low so that I wouldn't be retaining water for this morning's weigh-in.
I am not sure what to do with this. I know, logically, that I will not lose 5lbs in a week each week. I know, logically, that it would be lunacy to try and that it would cause me all sorts of headaches and lethargy if I did. But the scale moved a lot and that's really motivating. I know, logically that the number on the scale is not all that important but I need to be under 250 for my surgery, so for me, it is.
I haven't decided how I am going to handle this yet. I still feel the need to weigh myself everyday as the mental check in with myself. I think though, that as part of that mental check in, I need to continue to remind myself that I need to eat enough food to fuel my body, prevent the migraines and give myself enough fuel to function well at work. I will try to maintain a weight loss of 2lbs per week and not be so obsessive about this. I just haven't figured out how.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Building on good choices
I have been making some good choices lately.
I have always heard people say that if you want to feel a certain way or act a certain way or make a huge change in your life, you need to just start living that way. Don't wait for the motivation or the "kick" you think you need or some external force to come along and get you to do it. Just live it. Live it everyday for however long it takes for it to become a habit. For it to become normal. For it to be just the way you do things. I never understood how that could possibly be. I mean really, if you force yourself to do something you hate, can it really become something you enjoy and look forward to?
But maybe, I am starting to believe. It is getting easier in the office to avoid the communal snack area. It is getting easier to order better in restaurants. It is getting easier to bring my lunch. It is getting easier to not snack at night. These are just some of the things that I have been forcing myself to do for the last 7 weeks and it really is getting easier.
We were out a lot this weekend, and I found myself ordering water instead of pop in restaurants. I ordered grilled chicken at a hamburger place. I order steamed rice and sliced pork at a chinese restaurant. I am making better choices. They are getting easier to make and I am not feeling deprived.
I am feeling empowered. That is quite a change.
I recognize in me that exercise will be my biggest struggle. But I am trying. I realize I will not go from 0 to 6 days a week immediately, so I am trying for 3. 3 cardio sessions and 2 weight sessions. It is not overwhelming. It feels doable. I will build on the good choices I am making around food and it will spill over into the exercise.
I will do this, I will.
I have always heard people say that if you want to feel a certain way or act a certain way or make a huge change in your life, you need to just start living that way. Don't wait for the motivation or the "kick" you think you need or some external force to come along and get you to do it. Just live it. Live it everyday for however long it takes for it to become a habit. For it to become normal. For it to be just the way you do things. I never understood how that could possibly be. I mean really, if you force yourself to do something you hate, can it really become something you enjoy and look forward to?
But maybe, I am starting to believe. It is getting easier in the office to avoid the communal snack area. It is getting easier to order better in restaurants. It is getting easier to bring my lunch. It is getting easier to not snack at night. These are just some of the things that I have been forcing myself to do for the last 7 weeks and it really is getting easier.
We were out a lot this weekend, and I found myself ordering water instead of pop in restaurants. I ordered grilled chicken at a hamburger place. I order steamed rice and sliced pork at a chinese restaurant. I am making better choices. They are getting easier to make and I am not feeling deprived.
I am feeling empowered. That is quite a change.
I recognize in me that exercise will be my biggest struggle. But I am trying. I realize I will not go from 0 to 6 days a week immediately, so I am trying for 3. 3 cardio sessions and 2 weight sessions. It is not overwhelming. It feels doable. I will build on the good choices I am making around food and it will spill over into the exercise.
I will do this, I will.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The cake that wasn't
We had a Mother's day bbq at my sister-in-law's on Saturday night (yes, a day early, but it is hard to coordinate the schedules of such a large family). Anyway, I had a very successful time of it. Just a chicken burger, no bun with some baked sweet potato fries and salad with no dressing. I did though have a small piece of banana bread, but I kept it light all day so that I could do that.
The scale is finally catching up with my efforts. It continues to go down and at this rate I stand to have my best week ever. Very exciting. It is very motiviating to keep on making good choices when the scale is cooperating. I just need to keep in mind that when I really am following my plan and keeping the calories down that the scale will catch up and not let it derail me when the number on the scale doesn't move that quickly.
One thing about me that I haven't blogged about is that I bake. I love to bake. I find it very soothing to spend time mixing and kneading and folding and from very simple ingredients a beautiful, delicious cake or bread, or cookie, or brownie can appear and delight so many people. So I bake, a lot. Well in the six weeks that I have been very seriously dieting I have not baked at all. Not once. And I have to say, I feel like I am going through a mini withdrawal. I sit, for hours sometimes, looking up recipes and imagining how good that cake would be, how much fun the bread would be to make, to watch rise, to knead, to punch down and watch rise again.
Well about three weeks ago, I got it in my head that I was going to bake a coffee cake. A simple humble white cake with a crunchy topping. I have been searching for what I consider the perfect recipe and this weekend, I found it. I was so excited. I even had all of the ingredients in the house and at last, Sunday morning, I was going to get up early and bake it. That way, hubby and I could have it for breakfast. I mean, really, if you have baked goods as a meal that makes them healthy right? So before bed Saturday night I shared this great plan with hubby. I told him we were going to get up Sunday morning and I was going to make this cake and we would enjoy a leisurely breakfast with coffee cake and our morning lattés. Well, we got up Sunday morning and I thought long and hard about all of the effort that goes into making the scale budge even a little and how hard it is for me to lose even one pound and in the end, I made poached eggs and toast.
The recipe will keep.
I will save it and then next time we entertain and host a lot of people I will bake it and be able to share it with others.
Just like so many other conversations with myself that I am trying to reframe as part of this journey, I need to reframe my baking. It will evolve into something I do to share with others. Something I take pleasure in producing for them. Oh, I will not deprive myself of a small piece, but it will be as part of a planned day where it will not derail me. It will not turn into chocolate cake for breakfast. It will not be a soother for me, rather it will be a gift to my friends and family.
I will do this, I will.
The scale is finally catching up with my efforts. It continues to go down and at this rate I stand to have my best week ever. Very exciting. It is very motiviating to keep on making good choices when the scale is cooperating. I just need to keep in mind that when I really am following my plan and keeping the calories down that the scale will catch up and not let it derail me when the number on the scale doesn't move that quickly.
One thing about me that I haven't blogged about is that I bake. I love to bake. I find it very soothing to spend time mixing and kneading and folding and from very simple ingredients a beautiful, delicious cake or bread, or cookie, or brownie can appear and delight so many people. So I bake, a lot. Well in the six weeks that I have been very seriously dieting I have not baked at all. Not once. And I have to say, I feel like I am going through a mini withdrawal. I sit, for hours sometimes, looking up recipes and imagining how good that cake would be, how much fun the bread would be to make, to watch rise, to knead, to punch down and watch rise again.
Well about three weeks ago, I got it in my head that I was going to bake a coffee cake. A simple humble white cake with a crunchy topping. I have been searching for what I consider the perfect recipe and this weekend, I found it. I was so excited. I even had all of the ingredients in the house and at last, Sunday morning, I was going to get up early and bake it. That way, hubby and I could have it for breakfast. I mean, really, if you have baked goods as a meal that makes them healthy right? So before bed Saturday night I shared this great plan with hubby. I told him we were going to get up Sunday morning and I was going to make this cake and we would enjoy a leisurely breakfast with coffee cake and our morning lattés. Well, we got up Sunday morning and I thought long and hard about all of the effort that goes into making the scale budge even a little and how hard it is for me to lose even one pound and in the end, I made poached eggs and toast.
The recipe will keep.
I will save it and then next time we entertain and host a lot of people I will bake it and be able to share it with others.
Just like so many other conversations with myself that I am trying to reframe as part of this journey, I need to reframe my baking. It will evolve into something I do to share with others. Something I take pleasure in producing for them. Oh, I will not deprive myself of a small piece, but it will be as part of a planned day where it will not derail me. It will not turn into chocolate cake for breakfast. It will not be a soother for me, rather it will be a gift to my friends and family.
I will do this, I will.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Great food day and a migraine
Had a really good food day yesterday, I had a latte, 2 eggs, one toast for bfast, 4oz meat, one toast, salad for lunch, orange and 1oz almonds for snacks and lots of veggies with 6oz chicken for dinner. By my calculation, I think it totalled 1440 calories. Well below my target of 1800. The problem is by the time I got home from work I had an aura which preceded the actual migraine. I will send my daily record to the dietitian to see if I could have or should have done something differently.
However, I had committed to myself that I would workout last night, and headache and all, I DID! Yeah me. I got on the elliptical for 25 minutes and then did an assortment of crunches and leg lifts and free weights for a total workout of one hour.
We ended up eating dinner after 8 which is probably not the best but something has to give if I am going to get some workouts in.
I have to admit that I am in a much better mood this morning then when I got home last night. I was fine but a little hungry when I left work at 5:30. I figured that I would drive home (usually 1/2 hour or so) have a small snack and jump on the elliptical. Problem was, I hit traffic, maybe the worst I have ever seen on a beautiful clear day and by the time I got home over an hour later, I had an aura. I hit my driveway and burst into tears because, well frankly, this isn't fair. It isn't fair that I ate well all day and tried to do the right thing and I end up with a migraine. It isn't fair that most other people would have been full and happy and successful with what I ate and not had the headache. That is why for the most part I have been unsuccessful at losing weight in the past. I have blogged it before, but whenever I have a really good diet day I have a really bad headache day. They go together and it's just not fair. I have a really hard time functioning with the migraines and in my job and in my life I need to function. This is going to be the hardest part of my journey. The balance I need to find between portion control and feeling well. If anyone has suggestions for how to overcome this, please comment. I would love to hear from you.
My birthday is coming up in early summer and my parents have very generously offered to kick in some money towards something I really want. I am thinking of asking for them to help me purchase a treadmill. I already have the elliptical which I use but I am thinking that if I had the choice of two things I could mix it up a little. Also, if the weather outside is nasty (which it often is north of the 49th parallel), I can go for a walk in my basement instead of outside.
The scale has responded (finally) to the good eating and the water weight seems to be gone. A new low today on the scale but I'll wait until next weigh-in to post officially.
I will do this, I will.
However, I had committed to myself that I would workout last night, and headache and all, I DID! Yeah me. I got on the elliptical for 25 minutes and then did an assortment of crunches and leg lifts and free weights for a total workout of one hour.
We ended up eating dinner after 8 which is probably not the best but something has to give if I am going to get some workouts in.
I have to admit that I am in a much better mood this morning then when I got home last night. I was fine but a little hungry when I left work at 5:30. I figured that I would drive home (usually 1/2 hour or so) have a small snack and jump on the elliptical. Problem was, I hit traffic, maybe the worst I have ever seen on a beautiful clear day and by the time I got home over an hour later, I had an aura. I hit my driveway and burst into tears because, well frankly, this isn't fair. It isn't fair that I ate well all day and tried to do the right thing and I end up with a migraine. It isn't fair that most other people would have been full and happy and successful with what I ate and not had the headache. That is why for the most part I have been unsuccessful at losing weight in the past. I have blogged it before, but whenever I have a really good diet day I have a really bad headache day. They go together and it's just not fair. I have a really hard time functioning with the migraines and in my job and in my life I need to function. This is going to be the hardest part of my journey. The balance I need to find between portion control and feeling well. If anyone has suggestions for how to overcome this, please comment. I would love to hear from you.
My birthday is coming up in early summer and my parents have very generously offered to kick in some money towards something I really want. I am thinking of asking for them to help me purchase a treadmill. I already have the elliptical which I use but I am thinking that if I had the choice of two things I could mix it up a little. Also, if the weather outside is nasty (which it often is north of the 49th parallel), I can go for a walk in my basement instead of outside.
The scale has responded (finally) to the good eating and the water weight seems to be gone. A new low today on the scale but I'll wait until next weigh-in to post officially.
I will do this, I will.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Kidding myself?
Ok, so maybe I have been kidding myself. I have been giving it lots of thought and reflecting on the conversation with the dietitian yesterday and I think there are lots of little things getting in the way. It is the cookie here, the extra slice of bread there and they are adding up. So, I will, until the next weigh in, try to count calories and keep it under 1800 each day. That and count carbs too. This means that I will keep a food diary on paper that I can have with me all the time. It also means that I need to eat simple distinct foods so that I can easily track the calories. No combo, complex meals for a week. I will try to blog the food results on my food jounal blog as well. Let's see how this goes. If all goes well I will try to keep doing it.
I find it very restrictive to do this and have always rebelled against it when I have tried in the past. It makes me feel freakish that I have to do such a thing and "normal" people don't. So I do it for a while and then wonder why I am punishing myself with counting calories. And then I quit counting which then spirals into eating whatever I want to because "normal" people can.
So I need to work on reframing that conversation. I need to believe that I am counting calories because I am nurturing my body and because I deserve to be healthy and less sore and more active. I will count calories because it will get me to my goal and because I deserve to succeed in life and if this is what I choose to concentrate on, then I will succeed.
I need to concentrate on it. I need to spend more mental energy on caring about myself and taking care of myself and view this journey in a positive way and not in a self defeating, I am worthless kind of way.
If I frame this differently then I will be more successful. Good, fun, caring things are way better to concentrate on than yucky, hard, scary things and so I will reframe this and focus on the good this will bring to my life and not on the scary this is right now.
I will do this, I will.
I find it very restrictive to do this and have always rebelled against it when I have tried in the past. It makes me feel freakish that I have to do such a thing and "normal" people don't. So I do it for a while and then wonder why I am punishing myself with counting calories. And then I quit counting which then spirals into eating whatever I want to because "normal" people can.
So I need to work on reframing that conversation. I need to believe that I am counting calories because I am nurturing my body and because I deserve to be healthy and less sore and more active. I will count calories because it will get me to my goal and because I deserve to succeed in life and if this is what I choose to concentrate on, then I will succeed.
I need to concentrate on it. I need to spend more mental energy on caring about myself and taking care of myself and view this journey in a positive way and not in a self defeating, I am worthless kind of way.
If I frame this differently then I will be more successful. Good, fun, caring things are way better to concentrate on than yucky, hard, scary things and so I will reframe this and focus on the good this will bring to my life and not on the scary this is right now.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Carb Counting
Official weigh-in today. Still retaining some water so up 1.1lbs. I really believe eating has been ok, so it will be interesting to see what the scales says in a few days. Hopefully, I am not kidding myself.
Went for another walk last night, that's two in a row if you are keeping count. Also still taking the stairs at work, everyday.
Met with the dietitian this morning. She showed me how to count carbs and suggested I keep them between 8 and 10 per day. For anyone thinking of doing this, each 15grams of carbs counts as 1. But things like rice and lentils have a bit more. She says you need 140grams per day for brain function and she thinks when I get too low, it triggers my migraines, which triggers a mini carb binge. So we'll try to spread enough carbs throughout the day to keep the migraines away without the count going too high and affecting my weight.
Overslept this morning and feeling pretty crappy today. I didn't prepare any food for work so the dietitian gave me oatmeal to bring to work (pretty sad when your dietitian has to give you breakfast to go) but I will make good choices today and will eat all of my fruit that has been accumulating in the fridge at work.
I will do this, I will.
Went for another walk last night, that's two in a row if you are keeping count. Also still taking the stairs at work, everyday.
Met with the dietitian this morning. She showed me how to count carbs and suggested I keep them between 8 and 10 per day. For anyone thinking of doing this, each 15grams of carbs counts as 1. But things like rice and lentils have a bit more. She says you need 140grams per day for brain function and she thinks when I get too low, it triggers my migraines, which triggers a mini carb binge. So we'll try to spread enough carbs throughout the day to keep the migraines away without the count going too high and affecting my weight.
Overslept this morning and feeling pretty crappy today. I didn't prepare any food for work so the dietitian gave me oatmeal to bring to work (pretty sad when your dietitian has to give you breakfast to go) but I will make good choices today and will eat all of my fruit that has been accumulating in the fridge at work.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Muffins are not worth the calories!
Yesterday was a pretty rough day hormonally and mood wise (yes they go together). Actually headed out with hubby for a walk last night and had to head back a bit early because I had this wave of nausea take over. We ended up walking for 25 minutes instead of 45, but it was something. Tried to keep my portions down at dinner to help compensate for the chocolate chip muffin I bought at Tims in the afternoon. I only looked up the calories when I got back to work, and wow, who know it was over 420 calories for one muffin. And it's not even big! My favorite donut it turns out is only 300 (apple fritter, in case you are interested) and a plain chocolate dip is around 200. Way better choices than the muffin and they would have cured the craving just as well.
I am fighting a migraine today but am trying to stay on track. Toast with light cream cheese and jam with a latte this morning. Orange for snack. Beef sandwich for lunch. Yogurt for an afternoon snack.
I have lost 2 lbs overnight. Hopefully the rest of the water weight will go today. I will report my weigh-in tomorrow regardless of the water retention.
I am excited to see the dietitian tomorrow and learn how to count carbs. Hopefully that will help with the migraines and the weight loss.
I will do this, I will.
I am fighting a migraine today but am trying to stay on track. Toast with light cream cheese and jam with a latte this morning. Orange for snack. Beef sandwich for lunch. Yogurt for an afternoon snack.
I have lost 2 lbs overnight. Hopefully the rest of the water weight will go today. I will report my weigh-in tomorrow regardless of the water retention.
I am excited to see the dietitian tomorrow and learn how to count carbs. Hopefully that will help with the migraines and the weight loss.
I will do this, I will.
Monday, May 3, 2010
A good Monday.
A good weekend overall. Too much family and not enough me time, but still managed to do some gardening and spend a little time relaxing with hubby.
Very bloated today, hoping lots of water will cure it. Couldn't even get my rings on this morning and the scale showed a three pound jump from yesterday. Oh, and I had a pretty good food day. Eggs and Toast for bfast, grilled pork and noodles for lunch, Turkey and roast veggies for dinner with no snacks. It's just that my body is a bit off. This is the way it goes for me and I have to learn to not worry about it, drink lots of water and keep to my food plan and the scale will sort itself out.
What I used to do, is justify a binge because the scale is up anyway so why not allow myself a treat. Now I am learning to stay on plan and the scale will come back down when the water weight goes.
A good lesson to have learned. A good thing to keep in mind.
A good Monday to you all!
I will do this, I deserve it.
Very bloated today, hoping lots of water will cure it. Couldn't even get my rings on this morning and the scale showed a three pound jump from yesterday. Oh, and I had a pretty good food day. Eggs and Toast for bfast, grilled pork and noodles for lunch, Turkey and roast veggies for dinner with no snacks. It's just that my body is a bit off. This is the way it goes for me and I have to learn to not worry about it, drink lots of water and keep to my food plan and the scale will sort itself out.
What I used to do, is justify a binge because the scale is up anyway so why not allow myself a treat. Now I am learning to stay on plan and the scale will come back down when the water weight goes.
A good lesson to have learned. A good thing to keep in mind.
A good Monday to you all!
I will do this, I deserve it.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Strength from struggle
I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, some of people who have just started their weight loss journey, some who are part of the way through it and others who are nearing goal. It seems that everyone shares similar struggles, whether it be with eating out, lack of exercise or life just getting in the way. It also seems that when the going gets tough, everyone feels that they are alone in their struggle and that no one else is going through the same thing.
Yet we are really all the same. Some have 20 lbs to goal, some 300. It doesn't really matter in the end does it. It is about the journey, the struggle, which for most of us, has been and will continue to be lifelong. It is exhausting thinking about how much effort goes into the struggle to lose weight, get fit, be healthy.
A very wise woman once told me that you can't control the way the world reacts to you you can only control the way you react to the world. I try to think of that every day. With every choice that I make, I try to think is this choice being made because I am angry, or scared, or hurt, or lonely or feeling bad about myself, or is this choice being made because I care about myself and I deserve to take care of myself. It doesn't mean that I always make the right choice, I still sometimes go for the cookie or the chocolate, but as a start, I am trying to become more aware of those choices. As those choices become easier, so will this struggle. As I become more aware of my mind-body-food reaction, the weight will come off and the mood will improve. The fit will come. It will get easier as I get lighter.
So, when you read other blogs, try to see in those who struggle the same challenges you face and gain strength from them. From their struggles. For the community that we belong to motivates us and makes us strong. For you are not alone. Read the blogs of those who are doing well as inspiration and motivation, but remember, they have bad days too. It is normal. It is okay. It is part of the struggle and it is what makes us strong.
Choose to be strong today.
I will do this, I deserve it.
Yet we are really all the same. Some have 20 lbs to goal, some 300. It doesn't really matter in the end does it. It is about the journey, the struggle, which for most of us, has been and will continue to be lifelong. It is exhausting thinking about how much effort goes into the struggle to lose weight, get fit, be healthy.
A very wise woman once told me that you can't control the way the world reacts to you you can only control the way you react to the world. I try to think of that every day. With every choice that I make, I try to think is this choice being made because I am angry, or scared, or hurt, or lonely or feeling bad about myself, or is this choice being made because I care about myself and I deserve to take care of myself. It doesn't mean that I always make the right choice, I still sometimes go for the cookie or the chocolate, but as a start, I am trying to become more aware of those choices. As those choices become easier, so will this struggle. As I become more aware of my mind-body-food reaction, the weight will come off and the mood will improve. The fit will come. It will get easier as I get lighter.
So, when you read other blogs, try to see in those who struggle the same challenges you face and gain strength from them. From their struggles. For the community that we belong to motivates us and makes us strong. For you are not alone. Read the blogs of those who are doing well as inspiration and motivation, but remember, they have bad days too. It is normal. It is okay. It is part of the struggle and it is what makes us strong.
Choose to be strong today.
I will do this, I deserve it.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Restaurants
Went out for dinner last night, ordered really well. Salad, grilled chicken, rice. Well, then hubby's plate came with yummy spreads and falafel balls and pita bread and in the end we ended up sharing and I ate way too much. Felt a little ill after. That's quite a change for me. I used to be able to eat as much as I wanted and not feel ill or really full. I always thought of my stomach as a bottomless pit. I mean I could eat. But as I am trying to cut back on portions, my body seems to be adapting and I just can't eat the volume.
That's good, right? I mean who wants to feel sick, but if it will help to control the eating when out then I am all for it. I am still quite full and feeling a little queasy, but I ate a solid breakfast (2 rye toast, one egg, latte) so that I would have enough energy for the day and I am sipping tea, and will continue to until lunch. Again, I will try to keep portions reasonable and not overeat today.
Still no exercise for the week. Gotta wrap my head around that, I guess I am not really ready to add it in. It will come.
I will do this, I will.
That's good, right? I mean who wants to feel sick, but if it will help to control the eating when out then I am all for it. I am still quite full and feeling a little queasy, but I ate a solid breakfast (2 rye toast, one egg, latte) so that I would have enough energy for the day and I am sipping tea, and will continue to until lunch. Again, I will try to keep portions reasonable and not overeat today.
Still no exercise for the week. Gotta wrap my head around that, I guess I am not really ready to add it in. It will come.
I will do this, I will.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Migraines and Carbs
Weigh-in today was pretty good. Lost almost 2 lbs, so I managed to lose the weight I had gained last week plus a little more. Still struggling with exercise, but I have some new ideas and will see how that goes. I am thinking of trying one morning class and see if I can get there and not vomit during. My husband will laugh when I tell him this plan as I am NOT a morning person. BUT, one day a week is not the end of the world. I meet with the dietitian at 7:10am, so one morning class should be doable.
Met with the dietitian this morning and we were talking about my food records and the correlation between my migraines and carbs. She thinks maybe I get the migraines on the days that I don't eat enough carbs. So maybe it's not that I don't get enough calories on migraine days, but maybe on those days I don't get enough carbs. So next week she is going to teach me how to count carbs and we will work on substituting some of my calories for carb calories and see how that goes. In the interim, I will continue to keep my food journal and will note on it how I feel at the end of each day so that we have something to work from.
I will do this, I will.
Met with the dietitian this morning and we were talking about my food records and the correlation between my migraines and carbs. She thinks maybe I get the migraines on the days that I don't eat enough carbs. So maybe it's not that I don't get enough calories on migraine days, but maybe on those days I don't get enough carbs. So next week she is going to teach me how to count carbs and we will work on substituting some of my calories for carb calories and see how that goes. In the interim, I will continue to keep my food journal and will note on it how I feel at the end of each day so that we have something to work from.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Not enough food and a migraine
So I guess I didn't eat enough yesterday (see my food journal blog - link on the bottom right of this page) as in the end I did end up with a doozy of a migraine. Had to take a fiorinal with codeine before bed and nix the exercise that I had planned. So today, I have decided to still eat healthy but differently and see how I do. I had oatmeal for bfast and brought chicken and a small yam for lunch. With hummus and an orange for snacks, we'll see how it goes.
At least yesterday allowed me to lose the bloat I had picked up from the sushi the night before. Soy Sauce tends to do that to me.
Oh, and I am happy to report that I am still taking the stairs at work. Everyday.
I will do this, I will.
At least yesterday allowed me to lose the bloat I had picked up from the sushi the night before. Soy Sauce tends to do that to me.
Oh, and I am happy to report that I am still taking the stairs at work. Everyday.
I will do this, I will.
Monday, April 26, 2010
This is hard
I have been struggling of late. I am trying to make good choices. We went out for dinner Friday night and I ordered grilled chicken with a side salad. I asked for no dressing on the salad as it came with a bit of cheese and I figured that was enough for some flavor. The waitress asked me 4 times if I was sure that I didn't want dressing. I was amused rather than annoyed, so all in all, a successful outing.
On the other hand, we went out for sushi last night, and while I did manage to keep the portion really small, the choice in maki wasn't the best (too many fried tempura bits).
But today, I got up and made a healthy breakfast, prepared my lunch and have had a really good day. Except I'm famished. It is the middle of the afternoon and I have eaten according to plan today and I am famished. So I will go and eat an extra fruit, make myself some tea and try to make it to dinner.
If I let myself get too hungry, I get a migraine. I find it very difficult to determine what the balance is between enough food to stave off the migraines and enough of a calorie deficit to lose the weight. It is something I have struggled with for a long time and is a big part of the reason that I have been within the same 30 lbs for almost 20 years.
I had a good weekend w.r.t. exercise and will continue to try to bump it up so that the calorie deficit can come (somewhat) from exercise.
I will do this, I will.
On the other hand, we went out for sushi last night, and while I did manage to keep the portion really small, the choice in maki wasn't the best (too many fried tempura bits).
But today, I got up and made a healthy breakfast, prepared my lunch and have had a really good day. Except I'm famished. It is the middle of the afternoon and I have eaten according to plan today and I am famished. So I will go and eat an extra fruit, make myself some tea and try to make it to dinner.
If I let myself get too hungry, I get a migraine. I find it very difficult to determine what the balance is between enough food to stave off the migraines and enough of a calorie deficit to lose the weight. It is something I have struggled with for a long time and is a big part of the reason that I have been within the same 30 lbs for almost 20 years.
I had a good weekend w.r.t. exercise and will continue to try to bump it up so that the calorie deficit can come (somewhat) from exercise.
I will do this, I will.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I took the stairs
I took the stairs today. Yes, I know, you are saying so what, she took the stairs. But for me, that's huge. I work on the second storey of a two storey building in the 'burbs and I always, and I mean always, take the elevator.
But, I am coming to realize that this is not about one huge thing that is going to make me lose 150lbs overnight. It will be as a result of a hundred little things (and a few larger ones) that will add up to the weight loss.
So, today I took the stairs. I parked in the back of the parking lot and took the stairs up to my office. I survived (betcha you weren't surprised, but me, maybe a little.) My heart rate was elevated but not crazy and I wasn't that out of breath. And I know that the more I do it, the easier it will get.
So tomorrow, I will take the stairs again.
But, I am coming to realize that this is not about one huge thing that is going to make me lose 150lbs overnight. It will be as a result of a hundred little things (and a few larger ones) that will add up to the weight loss.
So, today I took the stairs. I parked in the back of the parking lot and took the stairs up to my office. I survived (betcha you weren't surprised, but me, maybe a little.) My heart rate was elevated but not crazy and I wasn't that out of breath. And I know that the more I do it, the easier it will get.
So tomorrow, I will take the stairs again.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Weight gain and not enough exercise
Got on the scale this morning and for my official weekly weigh in I am up just over one pound. I am very disappointed. I do not believe that I ate enough this week to be up. Diet has been okay. Not to make excuses but even hubby was surprised. However, exercise has sucked this week and I really need to tackle that aspect if this weight loss plan and lifestyle change is going to work. I know that the only way I am going to be able to lose the weight and then keep it off and live the life I want to live is by exercising. But I hate it. I just need to get over that. I just need to figure out a way to work it into my day, everyday, so that over time I learn to hate it less.
I will do this, I will.
I will do this, I will.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sick..and Tired and Looser Pants
Not much in the mood to post these last few days. I went and caught a nasty cold and all I want to do is sleep. I am also quite frustrated as I have been on plan (mostly) and find that my face is less swollen and my pants are a bit looser but the scale is refusing to budge. In fact it is up a little. Official weigh in is tomorrow so I will report back then, but I do have to say that if I was going to gain weight this week, at the very least I would have joined the rest of my friends and had chicken wings on Saturday night. Instead, I stayed on plan and ordered a very sad looking salad with grilled chicken and a soda water. Proud of myself, but come on scale...move...in the right direction.
I am also swollen, I can't even close my hands fully. I am hoping I can blame all of this on PMS and then see a large drop in the scale next week. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I intend to stay on plan and am in a pretty good place emotionally.
I just want to feel better!
I am also swollen, I can't even close my hands fully. I am hoping I can blame all of this on PMS and then see a large drop in the scale next week. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I intend to stay on plan and am in a pretty good place emotionally.
I just want to feel better!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Diet back on track - now let's work on exercise
After a rough couple of days, I am fully back on program today. I got up this morning to a very unkind scale and decided, enough is enough. So I had a mostly egg white omelet with low fat cheddar, some canteloupe and a non-fat latte for breakfast. A salad with chickpeas and salmon and 1oz of a yummy salad dressing for lunch. A pear and a yogurt for snacks and am planning a stir-fry for dinner that will be heavy on the veggies and not quite so heavy on the chicken and rice. I have also learned through this process that the sauce on the stir-fry can be a diet killer (sugar, sugar and more sugar) so I will go light on that as well.
Hubby and I have gone for walks the last two nights and I plan to do that tonight as well. Tomorrow morning is my planned workout. I still need to figure out a way to build that into my week. I am still trying to figure out how to do that.
I see my Cardiologist for my annual consult at the end of June and would like to be at the same weight I was at last year, so I need to lose a little less than 25lbs to get there.(It has been a rough year weight wise). So 2lbs a week would get me there, I just need to stay on plan and I can do it. If I kick up the exercise, it would be that much easier. I just need to do it. I just need to do it. How many times can I say that until I just do it. I really struggle with that.
I will start this today by changing my evening walk to a more intense workout and then do cardio both days this weekend. They (whoever they are) say that if you live a habit long enough it becomes a habit. I think maybe my exercise issue is that I never set a schedule that I keep to no matter what. I am very good at meeting commitments that I have to others but not so good about commitments to me. So I will work on making exercise a commitment I make to myself.
This for me is the hardest part, not because I don't respect myself or think I am worth it. (Although some would argue if I allowed myself to weigh this much then what kind of respect can I have for myself - I disagree but will leave that for another post)No for me, this is hard because I hate exercise. I hate everything about it. I hate feeling sweaty and sticky when I do it, I hate the feeling of sweat that runs into my eyes. I hate that my boobs feel sticky and gross, I hate that I am sore the next day. I hate that my feet hurt. I hate that my hair gets stringy and then I need to wash it everday and then I get dandruff. I hate that my skin gets so dry when I shower that often that it cracks and bleeds. I hate it because it is hard and challenging and makes me tired and I HATE IT! Phew, okay, I got that out of my system. Now I just need to suck it up and do it. That is the plan for this week. Just do it. Make the appointment with myself and get it done. 30 minutes everyday. Watch Jeopardy while on the elliptical. How hard is that?
I will do this, I deserve it!
Hubby and I have gone for walks the last two nights and I plan to do that tonight as well. Tomorrow morning is my planned workout. I still need to figure out a way to build that into my week. I am still trying to figure out how to do that.
I see my Cardiologist for my annual consult at the end of June and would like to be at the same weight I was at last year, so I need to lose a little less than 25lbs to get there.(It has been a rough year weight wise). So 2lbs a week would get me there, I just need to stay on plan and I can do it. If I kick up the exercise, it would be that much easier. I just need to do it. I just need to do it. How many times can I say that until I just do it. I really struggle with that.
I will start this today by changing my evening walk to a more intense workout and then do cardio both days this weekend. They (whoever they are) say that if you live a habit long enough it becomes a habit. I think maybe my exercise issue is that I never set a schedule that I keep to no matter what. I am very good at meeting commitments that I have to others but not so good about commitments to me. So I will work on making exercise a commitment I make to myself.
This for me is the hardest part, not because I don't respect myself or think I am worth it. (Although some would argue if I allowed myself to weigh this much then what kind of respect can I have for myself - I disagree but will leave that for another post)No for me, this is hard because I hate exercise. I hate everything about it. I hate feeling sweaty and sticky when I do it, I hate the feeling of sweat that runs into my eyes. I hate that my boobs feel sticky and gross, I hate that I am sore the next day. I hate that my feet hurt. I hate that my hair gets stringy and then I need to wash it everday and then I get dandruff. I hate that my skin gets so dry when I shower that often that it cracks and bleeds. I hate it because it is hard and challenging and makes me tired and I HATE IT! Phew, okay, I got that out of my system. Now I just need to suck it up and do it. That is the plan for this week. Just do it. Make the appointment with myself and get it done. 30 minutes everyday. Watch Jeopardy while on the elliptical. How hard is that?
I will do this, I deserve it!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
A better day and taking control
I feel so much better today.
I got home last night and hubby had already started dinner. We had planned on a taco night. I ended up stuck in traffic yesterday and while sitting in park on the parkway I had decided that maybe I would turn taco night into a stir fry so that we could get more veggies in. Anyways, when I got home, hubby had started to cook dinner but had only thought so far as the meat. I was pretty annoyed at him. I started bitching about "did you think about vegetables in this meal" and he just rolled his eyes at me and kept cooking. That made me even madder. I then I took a deep breath and had a conversation in my head that went something like, ok, he's trying to be helpful and he's making dinner. Be grateful he's not sitting on the couch watching tv and expecting you to make dinner. You can still add vegetables to this meal and make it a healthier dinner.
So I did, and it felt good to be able to work through it. Those are the things that always trip me up. The things I don't control. I am a person who needs to feel in control of everything, and when someone takes that away from me I give up, rebel. And it manifests itself in food. Often.
Wow, I hadn't really thought about that until I started blogging it and it just came out. Right here in this post. If I am not in complete control then I say whatever, give up and let someone else derail my efforts.
But, like I proved last night, I can control what I put in my body by making better choices. I can add vegetables to any meal. I can go for a walk after dinner (which we did). I can make better choices at a restaurant that wasn't my pick. I can choose to respect myself with those choices.
The dietitian I am working with suggested I get up 10 minutes earlier every morning and do a stretching routine. Just to get in touch with my body and to loosen up all of my aching joints. I did that this morning for the first time and it felt pretty good. I tried to do crunches at the end, but that was a bit much for first thing in the morning for me. Maybe in time.
I am still craving sugar and wanted a coke for breakfast this morning. Instead, I am sitting here with a large cup of water hoping the craving will pass.
I will do this, I deserve it!
I got home last night and hubby had already started dinner. We had planned on a taco night. I ended up stuck in traffic yesterday and while sitting in park on the parkway I had decided that maybe I would turn taco night into a stir fry so that we could get more veggies in. Anyways, when I got home, hubby had started to cook dinner but had only thought so far as the meat. I was pretty annoyed at him. I started bitching about "did you think about vegetables in this meal" and he just rolled his eyes at me and kept cooking. That made me even madder. I then I took a deep breath and had a conversation in my head that went something like, ok, he's trying to be helpful and he's making dinner. Be grateful he's not sitting on the couch watching tv and expecting you to make dinner. You can still add vegetables to this meal and make it a healthier dinner.
So I did, and it felt good to be able to work through it. Those are the things that always trip me up. The things I don't control. I am a person who needs to feel in control of everything, and when someone takes that away from me I give up, rebel. And it manifests itself in food. Often.
Wow, I hadn't really thought about that until I started blogging it and it just came out. Right here in this post. If I am not in complete control then I say whatever, give up and let someone else derail my efforts.
But, like I proved last night, I can control what I put in my body by making better choices. I can add vegetables to any meal. I can go for a walk after dinner (which we did). I can make better choices at a restaurant that wasn't my pick. I can choose to respect myself with those choices.
The dietitian I am working with suggested I get up 10 minutes earlier every morning and do a stretching routine. Just to get in touch with my body and to loosen up all of my aching joints. I did that this morning for the first time and it felt pretty good. I tried to do crunches at the end, but that was a bit much for first thing in the morning for me. Maybe in time.
I am still craving sugar and wanted a coke for breakfast this morning. Instead, I am sitting here with a large cup of water hoping the craving will pass.
I will do this, I deserve it!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Weight Loss and Sugar Cravings
I am struggling this week. I had my weigh in today and I am down 1.8lbs from last week and I should be ecstatic. Three weeks in a row of losing weight might just be a record for me.
Instead, my mood is low and I am craving all things sugar. I ordered chinese last night and had a slice of cake that was around in the office kitchen today. This is my first week that I am off plan and I need to kick myself in the rear and get back on plan. I need to turn this around so that it is one meal off plan (and a snack) but doesn't turn into a week off plan and three pounds.
It is beautiful here today, I think I will ask hubby to go for a walk with me tonight so that I can enjoy the spring air and reconnect with him away from the television (hockey playoffs and such).
I read Lyn's blog at escape from obesity today and it really has me thinking. Do I really live my life that disconnected from my body? Do I allow myself to be in the moment or do I live in a somewhat alternate world in my mind, detached from that going on around me. I will work on that and blog again.
I will do this, I will.
Instead, my mood is low and I am craving all things sugar. I ordered chinese last night and had a slice of cake that was around in the office kitchen today. This is my first week that I am off plan and I need to kick myself in the rear and get back on plan. I need to turn this around so that it is one meal off plan (and a snack) but doesn't turn into a week off plan and three pounds.
It is beautiful here today, I think I will ask hubby to go for a walk with me tonight so that I can enjoy the spring air and reconnect with him away from the television (hockey playoffs and such).
I read Lyn's blog at escape from obesity today and it really has me thinking. Do I really live my life that disconnected from my body? Do I allow myself to be in the moment or do I live in a somewhat alternate world in my mind, detached from that going on around me. I will work on that and blog again.
I will do this, I will.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Small Changes
Got home yesterday exhausted. It's been a very long week at the office and I was in no mood to cook. I plopped myself on the sofa and decided I wasn't cooking dinner and started debating with myself about where to go for dinner. The old me would have chosen some yummy but unhealthy choice like falafel or pizza or chinese and would have thoroughly enjoyed it, but then would have felt guilty afterwards.
So I had a very active discussion in my head about choices.
I decided to choose to cook, I decided to honor myself by doing so. I decided that I am worth the effort to make the changes I need to lose the weight. I just decided to do it.
For me, that is the hardest part. The "just do it" part. I know it's a slogan for Nike, and a bit cliché but it has always been really, really hard for me. I have had so many people over the years tell me that in order to be successful at weight loss, you just need to do it. My answer was always how. They would look at me really funny because to them they just do. I don't. I never really had an aha moment when I just willed myself to do it. Until last night. And when I did, I was really proud.
Cooking dinner on most nights is something I love to do. But last night was not one of them and the fact that I did, that I cared enough about myself to do it, gives me hope that I will be able to just do other things, really really hard things, as I tackle this challenge of weight loss.
I will do this, I can!
So I had a very active discussion in my head about choices.
I decided to choose to cook, I decided to honor myself by doing so. I decided that I am worth the effort to make the changes I need to lose the weight. I just decided to do it.
For me, that is the hardest part. The "just do it" part. I know it's a slogan for Nike, and a bit cliché but it has always been really, really hard for me. I have had so many people over the years tell me that in order to be successful at weight loss, you just need to do it. My answer was always how. They would look at me really funny because to them they just do. I don't. I never really had an aha moment when I just willed myself to do it. Until last night. And when I did, I was really proud.
Cooking dinner on most nights is something I love to do. But last night was not one of them and the fact that I did, that I cared enough about myself to do it, gives me hope that I will be able to just do other things, really really hard things, as I tackle this challenge of weight loss.
I will do this, I can!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Challenges of Mood and Food
I met with the dietitian today. I am down another .6lbs. Not alot for this week but with passover and my period, I am thrilled to still have lost something.
I am struggling with mood a bit. When I get overwhelmed I get tired and when I get tired I hunt for sugar. Not in a normal let's have one piece of chocolate kind of way, no for me it's a let's have an entire box of chocolates and maybe some ice cream kind of way. So I have really been working on that. I haven't allowed myself to buy any cookies in a really long time. I haven't bought nutella for my desk. Because in my case the consumption of the entire jar with a spoon has occured on multiple occasions. Yet I do allow myself some frozen yogurt on occasion. I know that if I have it in measured portions and on an occasional basis, it will help prevent the other binges from occuring. But this week, on Tuesday, I gave in to my binge. I had spent all of Monday and Tuesday working crazy hours at the office getting my boss ready for a huge meeting (huge as in are we staying in business or not huge) and after dinner I prepared a huge plate of chocolate cake with ice cream and whipped cream that my husband and I shared. See I even corrupted him into this. Well my stomach was not happy. I was up from 4am to 5am. I can't believe how my body has changed over the last year and it just can't tolerate that kind of excess anymore. I was shocked.
I am struggling though with what I can replace that feeling with. I am comforted by the food. I don't know how else to describe it, but I feel a sense of calm come over me when all I have to do is concentrate on the ice cream, on it's texture. On how smooth it is and how it feels on my tongue. I need to find something to replace that but I need help to do that. So I will continue to rely on this community that I have found in the blog world to search for what others have done to replace their binges with healthier options and hope that maybe we can have that discussion here, so that we can help others too.
I will do this, I will.
I am struggling with mood a bit. When I get overwhelmed I get tired and when I get tired I hunt for sugar. Not in a normal let's have one piece of chocolate kind of way, no for me it's a let's have an entire box of chocolates and maybe some ice cream kind of way. So I have really been working on that. I haven't allowed myself to buy any cookies in a really long time. I haven't bought nutella for my desk. Because in my case the consumption of the entire jar with a spoon has occured on multiple occasions. Yet I do allow myself some frozen yogurt on occasion. I know that if I have it in measured portions and on an occasional basis, it will help prevent the other binges from occuring. But this week, on Tuesday, I gave in to my binge. I had spent all of Monday and Tuesday working crazy hours at the office getting my boss ready for a huge meeting (huge as in are we staying in business or not huge) and after dinner I prepared a huge plate of chocolate cake with ice cream and whipped cream that my husband and I shared. See I even corrupted him into this. Well my stomach was not happy. I was up from 4am to 5am. I can't believe how my body has changed over the last year and it just can't tolerate that kind of excess anymore. I was shocked.
I am struggling though with what I can replace that feeling with. I am comforted by the food. I don't know how else to describe it, but I feel a sense of calm come over me when all I have to do is concentrate on the ice cream, on it's texture. On how smooth it is and how it feels on my tongue. I need to find something to replace that but I need help to do that. So I will continue to rely on this community that I have found in the blog world to search for what others have done to replace their binges with healthier options and hope that maybe we can have that discussion here, so that we can help others too.
I will do this, I will.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Exercise..help please
Saturday morning and I have done my exercise for the day, 20 minutes on an elliptical trainer and 40 minutes of assorted weights and stretching. I have to admit that I have a ton of exercise stuff in my basement (including the elliptical trainer) that I have acquired over many, many years of trying to lose the weight.
My problem is that many weeks, Saturday morning is the only day that I get the exercise in. I work long hours, come home exhausted during the week and find it really hard to get my ass downstairs to exercise. By the time I get home I am hungry, sometimes really, really hungry, so I prepare and cook dinner, and by the time that's all done, it is well after 8 and who wants to exercise then? I am not, NOT a morning person, so trying to exercise in the early morning is just not something I am prepared to do.
I have gone for walks during my lunch break at work, but I am not sure how much that counts as real exercise so if anyone has any ideas on how to kick up the exercise I am all ears!
I will do this, I deserve it!
My problem is that many weeks, Saturday morning is the only day that I get the exercise in. I work long hours, come home exhausted during the week and find it really hard to get my ass downstairs to exercise. By the time I get home I am hungry, sometimes really, really hungry, so I prepare and cook dinner, and by the time that's all done, it is well after 8 and who wants to exercise then? I am not, NOT a morning person, so trying to exercise in the early morning is just not something I am prepared to do.
I have gone for walks during my lunch break at work, but I am not sure how much that counts as real exercise so if anyone has any ideas on how to kick up the exercise I am all ears!
I will do this, I deserve it!
Friday, April 2, 2010
A busy, exciting week
I have been off work this week and hosted a dinner on Tuesday for 22 people. It was exhausting and exhilarating and a ton of work. But I am proud that when I did my weigh in on Wednesday morning I was down 3.4lbs. That is really huge for me. Usually when I get ovewhelmed and exhausted I eat mindlessly. I tried really hard to stay on plan this time. It was hard, and not always perfect, but certainly better than in the past and progress is progress, so I will take it.
I am amazed at how many people have found this blog and have expressed their support. Like I have said before, it is that sense of community that makes it easier to blog and to share my feelings. I hope that together we get this done.
I will, I deserve it.
I am amazed at how many people have found this blog and have expressed their support. Like I have said before, it is that sense of community that makes it easier to blog and to share my feelings. I hope that together we get this done.
I will, I deserve it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A Sense of Community
In the last little while I have spent a lot of time searching around the internet reading other blogs and stories of people who struggle with disordered eating and weight loss. I recognize in them the same struggles and challenges I face every day and I feel less alone. I see that it is ok to have a bad day, whatever the trigger, and that it doesn't need to derail my efforts or send me on a multi day binge. I can let it go and then tomorrow will be a better day.
I appreciate this sense of community and how accepting of me it will be. I look forward to being a part of it.
I appreciate this sense of community and how accepting of me it will be. I look forward to being a part of it.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Plan
I worked out a plan today. Working with a dietitian, I have a sensible eating plan that, if I follow it, will get me to my goal. The plan is around 1600 calories per day which should result in a weight loss of 2 lbs per week. If I stay on plan, that will get me to my goal weight before my 40th birthday. Pretty cool. It's a weight of 220 which is still too high by most standards but considering I haven't seen that number on a scale since 7th grade, I will work to that and then go from there. I am trying not to think too far ahead because if I do, the task seems too daunting and history says that I get overwhelmed and give up.
I will do this. I will.
I will do this. I will.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My Motivation
I have been overweight my entire life. I was 250 lbs in 8th grade and started college at 320. I am now 50 pounds heavier than that. I have never allowed my weight to hold me back from anything. I am a successful business person. I am happily married (to a skinny runner no less who met me when I was not much lighter than I am now). I have travelled the world and had wonderful life experiences. I think this is why it has always been hard for me to find the motivation I needed to lose the weight. I just didn't see the need.
Well, I do now. I am about 18 months away from 40 and my body just can't do it anymore. I am tired, all the time. I am sore, especially in my hips. I can't be as active as I would like. I am facing major surgery for a congenital heart defect in 3 years or so and I am scared of dying.
I need to lose the weight.
There, that's my motivation. I am scared of dying. The rest of the stuff, being more active, less tired, less sore, those will be bonuses. Nice side effects. But surviving surgery is my motivation and I will try to remember that each and every time I need to make a choice about the food I eat and the way I treat my body.
I will do this so that I will survive my surgery. I will.
Well, I do now. I am about 18 months away from 40 and my body just can't do it anymore. I am tired, all the time. I am sore, especially in my hips. I can't be as active as I would like. I am facing major surgery for a congenital heart defect in 3 years or so and I am scared of dying.
I need to lose the weight.
There, that's my motivation. I am scared of dying. The rest of the stuff, being more active, less tired, less sore, those will be bonuses. Nice side effects. But surviving surgery is my motivation and I will try to remember that each and every time I need to make a choice about the food I eat and the way I treat my body.
I will do this so that I will survive my surgery. I will.
The journey begins.
Well, let's get started. With 150 lbs to lose and many years spent trying to do this on my own, I figured, it's about time I get serious. So, I am starting this blog to, first and foremost, try to stay accountable to myself. At the same time, I am hoping it will help to write my feelings down in a more public way. I have tried to keep a diary many times before but have always struggled with the fact that in the end, you are writing to no one and so what's the point. I am hoping that by writing here, and on the off chance that someone sees it, I can share my struggles to help someone else validate their own. Maybe then, we can do this together. I can't tell you how many times I have thought that I am alone in this world, dealing with how I feel and that no one can relate to me. I need to get past that.
I am hoping this will help.
I am hoping this will help.
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